1. The Clueless Sorority Girl
She has no idea what’s going on, but she does know to cheer when a guy in white reaches the end of the field. She’ll spend the majority of the game taking selfies, complaining how sweaty and hungry she is, and forcing her boyfriend to escort her to the bathroom. Overheard at the game: “It’s like SO scary when the players run into each other. I saw that new Will Smith movie about concussions and literally cried the entire time.”
2. The Wealthy, Dedicated Alum
Perched in a booth atop the stadium built off donations from generous alumni such as himself, The Wealthy, Dedicated Alum enjoys a shrimp cocktail and watches his team while trying to tune out his wife of 40 years, who’s complaining about how “revealing” and “classless” the young college women are dressed.
3. The Trailer Trash Who Never Went To College
He never went to college. Never came close. But this inbred yokel grew up in a rural area outside of the college town and has been cheering on the team and ruining the reputation of its students since he lost his first tooth (as an adult). He also wears a jersey.
4. The Grown Man Sobbing
Fueled partly by alcohol, partly by sheer passion, this grown man just can’t contain his emotions when his team loses. Some would call a 45-year-old wiping his tears on an empty popcorn bag “pitiful.” But I prefer to call that level of compassion “inspiring.”
5. The Football Groupie
The Football Groupie is busy comparing each player’s butt. She’s eager to tell you how she’s “besties” with the team (translation: she slept with every major skill player and a few linemen). Even if the good guys lose, when she shows up to the after party, someone’s going home a winner. Guaranteed. She’s had so much unprotected sex with the players, when they squeezed out a playoff berth, she squeezed out a playoff birth.
6. The Hardcore Tailgater
Let’s be real. College football is just an excuse to throw the wildest day parties of the year: tailgates. And this guy knows it. The wooden stage is his domain. The cornhole, his muse. Sure he’s passionate about his team, but someone has to hold down the tent when everybody else heads to the stadium. The Hardcore Tailgater only shows up to the fiercest of rivalry games, and even then, he’ll dip out at halftime when he starts to sober up. Ya can’t blame him. The SEC barring students from re-entering the stadium is the real crime here.
7. Ridiculous Outfit Guy
Body paint from head to toe. Shoulder pads. Tear-away track pants with a thong underneath. This man is determined to get on the jumbotron and hit the dab in front of thousands.
8. The Football Genius
This guy knows every statistic about every player, and he wants everyone nearby to know it. The amount of knowledge he has is borderline creepy. Did you know that last season, Jenkins racked up a career high of 1,500 rushing yards, 20 touchdowns, 693 milligrams of HGH, takes his coffee with cream but no sugar, has 5.963 million red blood cells, and goes to sleep on his side at exactly 11:15 p.m. every night?
9.The Sneaky Drunk Guy
Whether he’s got airplane bottles tucked into every pocket, a flask cleverly disguised as a bottle of sunscreen, or one of those bladders full of alcohol you strap to your stomach, this guy is the master of keeping a buzz going despite stadium security.
10.The Not So Sneaky Drunk Guy
Maybe he was The Sneaky Drunk Guy during the first half, but not anymore. Homie’s had one too many and now he’s whipping his shirt around over his head while loudly declaring his suspicion that the referee is a “Goddamn queer.” The poor girl standing in front of him is getting hammered in the back of the head by his thrashing pelvic thrusts. At least he hasn’t… aaannd he just covered section B and C in vomit. The Not So Sneaky Drunk Guy is about to become…
11. The Guy Getting Dragged Out By Security
The dreaded yellowcoats apprehend yet another victim who was just trying to live his life. As he’s shoved out of the stands, both middle fingers in the air, the crowd sends him off with thunderous applause, half out of admiration, half out of relief that his drunk ass is finally gone. He thought this was America. This is America, isn’t it?.