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Pennsylvania Man Breaks Into Homes, Blows Sleeping Dudes

If a man broke into your home would it be a best case or worst case scenario if he started blowing you while you slept? Gay or straight, you’d rather some guy try to suck your dick than shoot you and steal your laptop, right? Right? I’m so torn on this one. This is one of those ultimate “would you rather” questions. At the end of the day (literally) I think I’d rather fight off some handsy creep than an actual malicious robber. But the whole quandary is ridiculous anyway. I mean, who breaks into homes for the sole purpose of fellating sleeping men? This guy:

A DJ allegedly broke into the homes of men he saw at clubs and parties and performed oral sex on them as they slept, according to police in Pennsylvania.

Harrisburg police said last week that Dajuan Porter, 27, stalked three men and sexually assaulted them in their homes, according to WHP-TV.

The fact that this guy is a DJ somehow makes this story a thousand times better.

“Yo, yo, yo, what up HARRISBURG! This ya boy spinnin’ for ya tonight, the BJ Bandit, ha-HA! Everybody gettin’ crunk tonight??? It’s ladies night tonight but GUESS WHAT! We lookin’ out for the fellas too! The first hundred gentleman to come on up here with their name and address written down will be entered into a drawing for free drinks NEXT SATURDAY! So let’s get those addresses, YEAYUH!”

Apparently Mr. Porter has been sexually assaulting men in their sleep for years. The first such charge actually came while he was in a Maryland prison. You know you’ve got bad luck when even guys in prison don’t want you blowing them. Maybe Porter’s new fellow inmates will be more welcoming of his hobby. Please, please, please let it be the same facility that Jerry Sandusky is being held in.

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