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Penn State Kappa Delta Rho Burglarized, Moronic Suspects Only Steal Natty Light

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Last Thursday, $370 worth of damage was caused to the Kappa Delta Rho house at Penn State, when two evidently thirsty students broke into a room looking for some beers to crush. Three, to be exact.

From Onward State:

According to the State College Police, on Thursday night, between the hours of 11:30 p.m. and 11:55 p.m. two 21 year-old Penn State students kicked in a locked bedroom door inside the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity house. Upon reaching the premises, the two offenders proceeded to grab three cans of Natural Light — no more, and no less.

Wait, what? Why would 21-year-olds even need to steal beer, especially in State College? No matter how inebriated you are, it’s still likely one of several bottle shops in a one-mile radius will sell you a 12-pack. Speaking from experience, I know they’re all still open around midnight on Thursday–or any night of the week, for that matter.

It seemed like the perfect heist until the police were notified the next day by the fraternity and were able to identify the two offenders with the help of video surveillance by the house. As of right now, the investigation is ongoing and the criminal charges are still pending. However, along with restitution payments for the damaged door, it is possible the alleged offenders could be facing felony burglary charges.

Ah, the one thing intoxicated people always seem to forget about in the moment: the presence of cameras. They’re the one shred of evidence that’ll do you in every time. And all for what, three cans of Natty? So, not worth burglary charges on your permanent record. Maybe it would have been worth it if they had gotten away with a few cases or some better quality brew, but there’s no way I’d ever take that rap for a subpar beer and a half. That’s the kind of thing that automatically disqualifies you from job candidacy if someone runs a background check on you.

There are a few plausible theories here, though.

Either the crooks were so inebriated that they didn’t realize their actions would constitute burglary, and if they did, they didn’t give a damn, because it was Thirsty Thursday. Or, maybe they had their information wrong, and they were hoping to land a little more of a score in the act, whether it was beer or otherwise. In the case of the former, let’s hope the brothers of KDR can be understanding and only impose the restitution for repair work on the suspects. If the latter is the suspected case, however, maybe these guys need to be taught a lesson. Always knock first.

[via Onward State]

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Ashley Schaeffer BMW

Ashley Schaeffer was a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move. If you thought he was a woman, he'll take that as a compliment, because he loves women. Wooh.

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