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Slumps – sexless periods of anguish – can drive us insane. We all know this feeling. Even Gronk probably has sexless periods. Typically they’re on Sundays 1-4 p.m. EST. And I’m sure we all handle slumps differently. Some of us beat ourselves raw, helping Aveeno raise their stock price in the process. Some ramp up their Tindering. There’s always the prostitute option.
Me? I usually end up drinking myself into a stupor weekend after weekend. A man in Honduras seems to be like me, also opting to hit the bottle mid slump, but his strategy is slightly different than mine. He shoved his penis inside of one, and it ended up having to be removed.
From the New York Post:
A middle-aged man from Honduras needed an emergency operation to remove his penis after he got it stuck in a bottle he was using as a sex toy, according to reports. The 50-year-old man, whose name was not released, was rushed to a hospital after his penis turned black and started to decay, the Daily Mail reported. Dr. Dennis Chirinos said the man, who was not married and did not have a girlfriend, was trying to relieve his sexual frustration.
“So he put his penis in a bottle and this caused the death and necrosis of the penis,” said Chirinos, a urologist who performed the bizarre operation. “When he arrived four days later we had to amputate the penis completely because it was completely dead,” he said at a press conference at the hospital. Chirinos said the blood vessels in the penis constrict when put into a bottle for four hours, which led to the removal of the organ.
*moment of silence for that man’s dick*
What an IDIOT! What a loser! I mean, I sympathized with the guy when I read the headline. I really did. Going sexless turns guys into lobotomized freaks who need to be sent to the cuckoo’s nest. Nothing gets Nurse Ratched calling faster than having all that poisonous baby batter backed up into your brain. And I understand that sometimes hand lotion and a few minutes on PornHub dot com won’t cut it and you need to bring out the big guns. Maybe it’s a butt plug or a belt. So if this guy needs to shove his purple helmet warrior into a bottle, I’m not going to sit here and condone it, but I get it, especially if Fleshlight doesn’t deliver to Central America.
But four days? This fucking horn dog waited four fucking days to go to the hospital? Are the hospitals in Honduras so questionable that for four days with his cock bloodless and black, he’s still thinking “I’m fine. This is fine.”
I feel like our women readers who might happen to be going through a cold streak are smart enough not to pull the female equivalent of this, so this message is for the guys: I know you feel like your slump may never end. I know that bottle of Crisco is looking pretty good right about now. But there are other ways. Call a ‘stute if you have to. Literally anything besides sticking it in a bottle..
[via New York Post]
Image via Shutterstock