“Pebbles” Is The New Harambe

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Spirit Airlines is a stain on the existence of humanity. Charles Lindberg did not fly across the Atlantic for me to be charged $40 for a carryon with no leg room. Back in the old days, you could fly in style with big, luxurious seats and all you can drink booze at 30,000 feet in the air. Nowadays, thanks to Spirit Airlines, you’re lucky if they don’t charge to take a shit mid flight.

Just when I thought Spirit Airlines couldn’t get any worse, this clusterfuck of absurdity happens:

Before Belen Aldecosea flew home from college to South Florida, she twice called Spirit Airlines to ensure she could bring along a special guest: Pebbles, her pet dwarf hamster. No problem, the airline told her.

But when Aldecosea arrived at the Baltimore airport, Spirit refused to allow the tiny animal on the flight.

First off, I don’t even know how you could have a “dwarf hamster”? I ain’t no Discover Channel Crocodile Hunter animal expert, but can something that’s already tiny have a dwarf version? I wish that was the weirdest part of the story, but it gets worse, especially for Pebbles.

With her only friends hours away at campus, Aldecosea was stuck. She says an airline representative suggested flushing Pebbles down an airport toilet, a step that Spirit denies. Panicked and needing to return home promptly to deal with a medical issue, Aldecosea unsuccessfully tried renting a car and agonized for hours before doing the unthinkable.

She flushed Pebbles.

Spirit Airlines, what the fuck was going through your mind when you told her to flush a goddamn hamster? Granted, if you work for the world’s worst airline at probably the world’s dumbest airport, you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed. It’s a living pet, not some smuggled Colombian cocaine you’re trying to hide from the feds, although that’s something I imagine the people who work at Miami airport have a lot of experience with.

Pebbles is the new Harambe. 2018 has brought us a lot to handle, but it also brought the tragedy of Harambe 2.0. Why didn’t we learn from it last time? Like our fallen, but never forgotten, hero gorilla unceremoniously killed in 2016, Pebbles suffered a similar fate in the bathroom of the Miami airport instead of the Cincinnati Zoo. Just because Pebbles suffered a watery grave like Ray Liotta’s secret drug stash at the end of Goodfellas, it doesn’t mean we should turn a blind eye.

Pebbles was fucking innocent. Justice for Harambe, justice for Pebbles, and hopefully Spirit will do right for Harambe 2.0.

I already got my “RIP Pebbles” sign ready for the next PGA Tour event. Look out for it on the Golf Channel.

[via Miami Herald]

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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