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Paris Hilton Signs Deal To Make Second Album, Declaring Music Officially Dead

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In a move that made every single deceased musical icon roll over, sit up, and loudly proclaim “Seriously guys, what the fuck” in their graves, Paris Hilton has signed a deal with Cash Money records to produce her sophomore album.

There’s only so much you can do with your career after years of fame solely based on your ability to spread your legs frequently, and it appears that despite a disgraceful first album (seriously, watch this video), Paris just can’t be stopped from thrusting herself upon the proverbial cock of the music industry.

When asked about her new record’s tone, Paris responded, “This is a lot different than my first album. It’s really going to be house music.”

Hold on, did I just read that right? Paris Hilton is releasing a house album, a genre of music that generally doesn’t have any vocals besides the occasional nonsensical looping of a phrase similar to “Let’s get this party started.” If you synced her sex tape to the shrieking wails of a fax machine, you’d probably get a catchier album than whatever this Cash Money trainwreck is going to bring us.
The real issue here, the same issue that all house music faces, is that I’m sure a lot of people are going to like this album solely because it sounds good when their face is lodged in a plastic bag of molly. Newsflash house music fans: drugs like that would literally make watching paint dry fun. Keep that in mind next time you’re arguing about how “DJ Dubfuck” is a legitimate musical artist.

[via Los Angeles Times]


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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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