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A looming deadline is something any good, red-blooded, lazy (because we’re spoiled by the extreme comfort our country provides us) American can relate to. There’s a project coming up, it’s almost the end of the semester, Hillary just blew a 3-1 lead and campus is about to have a meltdown — there is no earthly way you’re finishing a project with all that going on. Definitely not in time for your class the next day. Sure, yeah, the project was assigned a couple weeks ago, but what were you supposed to do? Drop everything and commit 10-15 minutes a day, for about two weeks, to actively research your topic? Do I look like a sweatshop worker to you?
Enter the internet. You think I’m talking about plagiarizing, don’t you? What is this, the 90s? You can almost find anything on the internet, from a hitman to, well, freelancers willing to straight up do your homework. These guys are real salt of the earth people. Good folk willing to work hard to earn their keep. I mean, I just say that to make myself feel better about my gross academic misconduct. I have no idea who these people are. But it could be true? They’re willing to do labor, specifically mine, for very cheap and with a smile too. They sound pretty damn wonderful to me.
Anyway, I posted an ad and a go-getting, entrepreneurial Pakistani gentleman got back to me in seconds. The guy slid into my chat and says, verbatim, “Good day, well I am research specialist at postgraduate level I have had an overview of your project. I am able to deliver quality work for completion of your project.” Yeah, that last line stuck with me too. He said it in such a determined, helpful way that I felt he deserved maybe a little more than the five dollars he was being paid. I looked into some sort of tip option on the site. There was none. I blame his employer. And NOT just because it makes me feel better about paying so little. I swear…
The cool thing about this website is that people can bid for the jobs you post, which helps lower the cost. People would make proposals and I could choose who I wanted. My eventual “tutor” made an attractively low offer and I was sold. We had a brief discussion, went over some of his recommendations, and finally it came down to a little haggling before I decided to hand the project over to him. I haven’t haggled much though, so I didn’t really know what to do. Finally I just said “Alright, I’ll pay you five dollars.” He responded almost immediately with a hard “yes.” I am a haggling god.
Even still, it was slightly troubling how little he was willing to work for. Was this guy actually awful at his job? Eventually I decided to trust the reviews on his profile and hand my fate over to him. I sent him over the syllabus and he said it would be done by tomorrow.
“Hold up,” I thought. “This is a 14-page paper. I couldn’t write that in a day.” Usually, people follow up “in a day” with something like, “if I had 8 arms” or “with all the meth in Missouri,” or some other dumb expression. Eight arms wouldn’t even help you. The keyboard is made for two arms. Then you just have six extra arms flailing around doing jack shit. You’ll probably end up masturbating a lot, honestly. If anything those eight arms are absurdly counterproductive. The meth would help though.
Regardless, no amount of performance enhancers would allow me to write that paper in a day. I absolutely could not do it. End of discussion. And this guy went and wrote it on a five-dollar budget. Is there a Nobel Peace Prize for efficiency? He turned my five bucks into that? This guy should be on “Chopped.” He’s like MacGyver, if MacGyver saved shitty, spoiled American kids from their own education.
In the end, he sent me back the project with a few minor mistakes, but nothing that wasn’t easily fixable. “Nobody’s perfect,” I thought, as I sorted through an entire school project of mine, done almost flawlessly in one day by a foreigner who was so in need of money that he did it practically for free. “Nobody’s perfect. Least of all me.”
I turned in the paper and no one was ever any the wiser. Again, least of all me. I got a B. For five dollars I’m taking that every time. Also my professor is a dick. It was great to meet my tutor. Our relationship was short, but nevertheless the most beneficial relationship I’ve ever been in. Mubu, if your reading this, uh, somewhere in Pakistan, I guess, then thank you for everything you’ve done. Thank you for handing me a grade I didn’t deserve and I hope you now can afford that clock radio you’ve always wanted..