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The tradition of the college comedy centered on fraternity life has been a go-to plotline ever since the surprise success of “Animal House.” Since then, there have been dozens of “frat movies” produced, most of which are inexcusably terrible, and usually written by pasty, skinny guys who probably hated fraternities when they were undergrads. All of these movies tend to use the same tropes to tell their stories: binge-drinking guys who don’t give a fuck about anyone, who are on a mission to save their house from the administration, a rival frat, or student congress. I happen to believe the concept of fraternities is still ripe for storytelling, but I’d like to take some risks. Instead of going for lowest common denominator bro humor, why not take the fraternity movie and throw it into a whole new genre?
1. The Heist Movie
Most frat comedies already include thievery or sneaking around, and for good reason. The life of a fraternity man often requires subterfuge. I won’t say I’ve stolen a composite from a rival house, but I won’t say I didn’t also leave a flock of geese in its foyer after stealing the composite, either. So what if, instead of being a silly subplot, the theft was the main narrative?
Title: “Well Endowed”
The Premise: One house on campus is known as the crew who can acquire anything. Other fraternities and sororities come to them when they need a copy of a final or incriminating evidence from Judicial Affairs. Their pledging process is, in fact, a semester long training camp for becoming master thieves. But the legacy of their house will be put to the test when a distinguished alumnus comes to them with the ultimate heist: $3 million in cash that the dean has funnelled illegally out of the university’s endowment. The money would set the chapter up for life. Little do they know that they will walk into a carefully laid trap.
2. The Biopic
Why does every fraternity story have to be fictional? I’d like to tell a (mostly) true story within the context of fraternity life. There hasn’t been a good biographical movie on Ronald Reagan yet. And you know who’s the right man for the job? Not me, actually. I’m not really in the mood to go to the Reagan library in Simi Valley and peruse old administration memos for six months to craft a realistic story. Instead, I want to tell the story of our collective favorite TKE alumnus as an undergrad at Eureka College.
Title: “Rise of the Gipper”
The Premise: Ronald Reagan is the star of Eureka College. He excels in sports, theater, and has just been elected student body president. He’s paid his way through college by working as a lifeguard. Hell, he’s even a damn cheerleader, and basically walks around everywhere with his female cheer team members on his arm. He’s basically the Van Wilder of his era–minus the seven years in college part–and is set to graduate soon. However, he finds out that the college president is planning on cutting back on faculty members, including a beloved professor who had become his mentor. Putting his graduation and future career on the line, Reagan organizes the students in a strike against the administration, which is a decision that will be his first taste of real politics. Ultimately, Eureka’s president resigns.
3. The Zombie Movie
Title: “ZΦMBIΣS” (obviously)
The Premise: A fuck-up by a biomed grad student results in the release of a toxic gas, which turns the entire college community into flesh-eating dickheads. Luckily for these poor souls, the pledges of a fraternity were sealed in their house’s basement as a punishment for something that probably didn’t even happen. As a result, these dumbass members of the “worst pledge class that fraternity has ever taken” are the only ones on campus not zombified (including the older members of their fraternity). The boys are now tasked with fighting through hordes of zombie hipsters, faculty, and sorority girls to get to the science lab and find a way to release an antidote to the zombie gas. You can be sure that flying limbs, excessive drinking, and sex with zombies will happen throughout this movie.
So what are you guys doing? Go raise $50 million and get back to me. The group who puts together the money first gets to pick which storyline we go with.