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Oregon School To Offer Free Condoms To Sixth Graders Because Too Many Are Getting Pregnant

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A school district in Marion County, Ore., reported that nine girls in middle and high school recently became pregnant. In response to this tween mom outbreak, the school district thought it prudent to hand out free condoms before any other 12-year-olds got knocked up. The school board wanted contraception accessibility to be easy for the students before anyone else knocked children’s sized boots. Naturally, parents (or soon to be grandparents) in the district freaked the fuck out.

Though all the school board wants is for these kids to know that using contraception is a good, safe thing, the parents think contraception being made available is tantamount to school sanctioned boning.

Cool your jets, terrible parents who are doubling down on terrible parenting. Mrs. Hannigan from sixth grade isn’t going to teach kids the Dirty Sanchez, the optimal Rusty Trombone grip, or the best form for a Cincinnati Taint Tickler. They’re just condoms.

I do wonder if a teacher will send any kids home with a homework assignment to practice putting a condom on a banana, though.

Also, won’t these condoms have to be pretty small? Unless there is some freak of nature sixth grader out there, it’s doubtful a regular condom would even fit. A regular condom wouldn’t have stayed on my shriveled, sixth grade dick. A study by the Guttmacher Institute shows kids in the sixth grade are not generally interested in sex, either, further proving that this is simply a precaution, not an encouragement. More to the point, condoms are not age restrictive. Anyone can buy them, so the school board might as well save the students and couple bucks and hand them out for free.

The point of all of this is pretty much moot, anyway. When someone is about to lose his virginity, does he stop because of what he heard in middle school sex ed? Hell no. He has that glorious 10 seconds of terrible sex.

[via Slate]

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Blockparty is a contributing writer for TFM and a 4th generation Texan. With a GPA just good enough to graduate, he is ready to keep on partying, drinking, hazing and gettin’ some.

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