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Oregon’s Coked-Out Duck Mascot Is Back, This Time Almost Murders Cheerleader

oregon mascot puddles duck

The Oregon Duck (affectionately and unofficially called Puddles after a live duck in the 1920s that eventually had to be retired due to complaints from the Humane Society) is well known for being one of the most balls-deep, tripped-out college mascots in the game. Born from a Disney licensing agreement swaddled deep in the sweaty miasma of the ’70s, the Duck has been leading the country’s most pumped-up, confused, and generally disappointing football program in their mad charge to nowhere ever since. Like in 2015, when he ran out onto the field before the natty about 42 years ahead of the rest of the team, ready to mud wrestle the entire Buckeye starting line into a pile by himself.

Because Vine is basically no longer a thing (feel old yet?), this was difficult footage to find. Look at that speed, though! And in a goofy duck costume no less! If Oregon had Puddles on their roster, they might have gotten that national title they so desperately crave. There’s no way he would have passed a drug test, though. Dude clearly rips gator tails in the mascot locker room.

But even cocaine can’t explain what the hell the Duck is doing with a 5-iron near the end zone.

Game of inches! Go Ducks! #goducks

A post shared by Oregon Men's Golf (@oregonmgolf) on

Look at that backswing! Watch him almost take one of the Oregon cheerleaders’ teeth out. Obviously, this Duck is the kind of mallard that doesn’t stand on the correct side of the line at Topgolf. Why anybody would give Puddles a hard piece of metal in a crowded, public place is beyond me, even for a golf team promotional stunt. A completely sane and sober mascot has almost no peripheral vision to begin with; combine that with the Duck’s seething inner rage and lack of boundaries and you get a smiling, drug-fueled nightmare who’s likely to beat any other cartoon animal in the Pac-12 straight to death before doing push-ups on their furry corpse while the spirit squad fires off rags from the Walmart bargain bin out of a tee shirt cannon.

Still, as Oregon fans know all too well, it could always be worse.

[via Instagram]

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Doctor Franzia

*Not qualified to practice medicine*

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