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Oral Arguments: Let’s All Just 69

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A few weeks ago, some Houston rocket decided to write an article about how guys should stop going down on the ladies. As a man who loves having his John Stamos tongue-tickled, this submission angered me. This prick is upsetting a delicate ecosystem here. I mean, come on–could he not anticipate one of our Greek sisters writing an article in the same vein? I will do my best to undo all the damage he has caused.

Oral sex is the best sex. In the words of my dear friend Jared “This Dick Ain’t Sucking Itself” Freid, “it’s all the cumming with none of the child birth.” Here are my rock solid reasons why everyone should just shut the fuck up and 69.

    1. Competition: Doing shit by yourself is boring. We all know that dude who sits alone in his dorm room playing FIFA against the computer (or in some cases playing hand FIFA with his computer as his teammate). When more than one person is involved in something, it makes everyone have a better time. You can even make interesting games out of it, like “Let’s all cum at once!” or you can challenge each other by saying, “I’m gonna make you cum first.”

    2. Birth Control: Condoms suck, but they are a necessary evil (at least to some people), especially if your partner isn’t filthy rich. Children ruin more lives than student debt, and they cost way more. People like to say that abstinence is the best form of birth control, but they are full of shit. 69ing is the best form.

    3. Distractions: Do you not like the feeling of going down on someone whose privates smell like they haven’t been washed since the Reagan administration? Ladies, that will bother you a whole hell of a lot less while a tongue is running the alphabet backwards on your downstairs. Men, the same goes for you if she has a kind of unconventional way of going about her duties.

    4. Ladies Only: Do you find that some men do the bare minimum when they go downtown on you? Then 69 is your new best friend. You get to control the pace and timeline now. He’s not going to stop until he unloads, so take your time and get yours, too.

    5. Men Only: Do you know some girls who haven’t yet learned all the benefits of swallowing? Well, how can they possibly expect you to “warn” them when you are neck deep in their baby maker? Are they really going to make you stop eating so they can get up and spit? I think not.

    6. Time Is Money: Take it from someone whose time in college is done and gone. Every minute is important. If you can compact an evening’s adventures into a 20-minute 69 sesh, then you’ve done the impossible and elongated your time in college (as well as a certain appendage).

I don’t know what a world without oral would be like, and I don’t want to know. That’s why we must come together to ensure we never have to find out.

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