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College is a special time in life when you can live to the extremes with little to no consequence. It’s not a time to be worrying about the future like a little bitch. Who cares what you’re gonna do when you graduate? You have the rest of your life to figure that shit out.
Your fondest memories are forged in college, so you better cherish every single moment while you can. Moments are all that remain as you get older and look back on your life. Make those memories so goddamn legendary that they echo through eternity in the stories you tell with old friends over good beer.
Sleep with everyone you can.
Anytime you are attracted to another person and you don’t fuck their brains out, the seeds of regret are planted in your mind. Over time, those seeds grow into sexy phantom sluts who haunt the halls of your spank bank forever. The girls you never get to close with…those are the ones you’ll remember most.
Don’t get tied down.
Girlfriends are a lot like Porsche Boxters. When you first get one, you’re like, “Hell yeah, I’m inside a Porsche and I get to drive down the dirtiest streets whenever I want,” but after a while, you catch yourself looking at sportier models passing by and you realize, “Oh shit, this is just a fucking Boxter! WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I want a 911 Turbo, or at the very least, a Carerra. I’d literally smash a baby platypus with a hammer to trade up to a GT3, but oh fuck — I forgot about my 36-month lease!”
Don’t use Facebook.
If you intend on having sex with more than one woman throughout your collegiate experience, Facebook is going to fuck you over. It’s like your own personal paparazzi. If you are attempting to juggle girlfriends, Facebook makes it absolutely impossible. All it takes is one balls out blacked out photo tag, or one dumb slut post on your wall about “how much fun we had last night,” and the whole house of cards comes crumbling down.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a Facebook. I’m just saying you shouldn’t use it, especially for updating your status every moment of your pathetic existence. It’s great for keeping in touch with people you’d have lost track of forever ago, but it’s also an evil mass marketed NSA splooge fest on the tits of the American Dream. But hey, everyone’s got it.
When it comes to privacy, I trust that ass weasel Zuckerberg about as much as I trust a 20-foot king cobra in a tickle fight with a class of 1st graders who just got done huffing paint.
As Mark Twain famously said, “Don’t let your schooling get in the way of your education.” I don’t really know SamClem that well, but I assume he means you can learn a lot more from the inside of a whore than you can from some pointless waste of a class. Anyway, buying the crash course off campus class notes before a test is way easier than forcing yourself to wake up at the impossible hour of noon to actually learn something.
Use pledges for everything.
Don’t undervalue the untapped labor of indentured servitude. I’m not talking about the simple things like lighting cigarettes for you and filling in as makeshift furniture on the fly. You should really utilize pledges for everything. After all, there’s no other time in life when it’s so easy to have someone not only flush your shits for you, but also keep a detailed log of length, girth, and weight (in courics).
Live in the moment.
You might not realize it now, but after you graduate, your whole college career will seem like one big moment. This is your moment right now, and it’s the only time it’s ever going to happen, so make it epic. Enjoy the foreplay of it all. Don’t focus on the money shot ’til graduation. That day will come sooner than you think.
From a certain perspective, everything in life happens in a single moment. That’s all life is — just a seemingly random series of moments. You need to live in and experience everything those moments have to offer. You need to hold every one of those moments close to your heart and have sex in as many of those moments as you can.
After all, if your life flashes like a film in front of your eyes before you die, wouldn’t you want it to be a porno?