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On Handling The College Girlfriend Situation

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Welcome back to a world much like Whose Line Is It Anyway, where the rules are made up and the GPAs don’t matter.*

*Author Note: Until you graduate – Whiskey Ginger**

**Ed. Note: Not even then, really. – Bacon

You’re either entering your first year, or coming back for the second, third, forth or hell, maybe you love college so much you’ve hit year seven (don’t do that). In any case, if this column is applicable to you then you somehow came back with a stable lady friend. Not that she’s necessarily stable in terms of personality, but your relationship with her doesn’t include “fucking other girls” in the perks section. In short, you have the ol’ ball and chain keeping you from possibly reaching your college coital potential. But hey, maybe that’s your thing, and that’s great.

What do you do? Well, you’ve got a few options.

Option 1: Be Ever the Gentleman

In this option, you’ll be a good boyfriend. You don’t sleep with a different girl for every day of the week, you pretend to like all of her friends (this includes that one bitch who, when drunk, couldn’t form a coherent thought with the help of an MIT team of engineers and Shakespeare himself), and you even take her out on dates. It’s not a glorious life of undergrad debauchery and fraternal excellence, but it pays the bills, so to speak. If your girl is a keeper, or she’s a very attractive girl with a number of redeeming qualities, don’t fuck it up. This means if you’re getting breakfast in bed blowjobs and regular sex as a normal daily thing, don’t fix what isn’t broken. I’d rather bang out the same nine for a year than a slew of sixes and sevens. Call me old fashioned.

Verdict: For the love of God, stay with the girl.

Option 2: Break-Up

Maybe you’re only just “okay” with your current girlfriend. Maybe you’ve been dating since high school and it’s time to move on. Potentially, you’re just looking to put your dick in more girls than there are problems in your Econ math book. Whatever the reason, you think you should end it. Don’t fuck around on this. You don’t want to be unhappy in the fairly limited time you have in college, and there’s no sense wasting time with a girl you are not really happy with anymore. Drop her (gently, don’t be a dick about it, girls talk) and move on. If she goes to another school, this goes double. Distance is torture in college. It’s a cockblock you choose to include. It’s absolutely terrible. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?!

Verdict: Carpe diem and venni, vidi, vicci.

Option 3: Run for the Hills

You fucked up. You found a girl so crazy she makes Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, and Courtney Love look like women you’d bring home to mom. She knows your class schedule, your home address, your bank information, your entire family history and what vet you take your pet hedgehog, Walter, to. This is all in the three weeks you’ve been dating. The sex is great, but you’re pretty sure she watches you, all night, her unblinking eyes like red candles in the dark. Basically, it’s fucking terrifying, and you’re dating a girl with a horrible combination of OCD and paranoia. Cut all ties, change your name and enter witness protection, or get the Secret Service pledges to put you in the Witness Brotection program and keep your crazy ex at bay. They may have to sacrifice their lives to keep you safe, but that’s the purpose of the secret service pledge, to serve and brotect. For the next girl, take my advice from years of experience: never stick your dick in crazy. Ever.

Verdict: Cue up “Run for the Hills” by Iron Maiden and hide in your room until she gives up, or your personal cadre of pledges/bodyguards neutralizes the threat.

After you’ve found your solution, enjoy yourself. If you have the steady, awesome girlfriend, fuck you, you lucky bastard. Wife that girl up, because any girl that is worth keeping as a longterm girlfriend in college is probably solid wife material.

For the rest of you, go to as many date events, bar nights, mixers, socials, grab-a-dates and Greek Week parties as you can. Try to give Wilt Chamberlin a run for his money. Eventually you’ll find a solid girl to settle down with, but if you’re doing that in college, or in your 20s, you’re (probably) doing it wrong.


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Scientist, internet comedian, future supervillain. I still refuse to believe I've graduated college.

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