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Old Dude Looking For Live-In Maid; Sex Optional, But Preferred

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Good help can be so hard to find sometimes. That’s why this Virginia Craigslist user decided it would be a solid idea to just cut through the bullshit and tell the good people of the Internet exactly what he’s looking for in one semi-incoherent rambling of a post.

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Let’s break this down.

“its a large 3 bedroom 2 bath condo with a billiard room”

Three bedroom, two bath–and a billiard room? Considering I live in a shoebox for an exorbitant amount of money next to a hardware store that doubles as a brothel, you’ve piqued my interest here.

“i am a older white guy have washer n dryer wifi looking to pay my condo fee $525 month no deposit”

Washer AND dryer? In the unit? With wi-fi? For 500 bones? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAY TO LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY? Holy shit, as long as you’re not a serial killer, sign me up!

“ok the deal is need someone to get your room ready full of women’s clothing from my eBay selling n help cleaning other rooms”

Oh, so you are a serial killer?

“do not like guys !”

Got it. No guys. Still can’t really get over the fact that you just have an apartment full of women’s clothes scattered around, especially because you clearly stated that you are not a girl. Seems a little odd, doesn’t it?

“gay girl or straight girl don’t want guys over n hanging out”

Okay, we get it. No dudes. Ever. Not living there. Not hanging out. Not even stopping by to drop off more “trophies”–I mean women’s clothes–from girls who may or may not have once had this job before.

“i have a few poker games a few month in the day n sometimes a girl over about once a week”

TRANSLATION: Sometimes Charles Manson, Ted Bundy, and I play a few hands of hold ‘em, and about once a week, I may or may not follow a drunk girl back to her car at the bars. No big deal.

But wait…I thought you just said no dudes?

“i am a smoker n 420 friendly”

It’s true, he is. Search duh_usa on eBay and you can see the negative comments from people who want to return their clothes because they reek of weed. Selling smoky smelling women’s clothes on eBay? Seems like a viable business model.

“not looking to get in your pants but that would be cool jj lol !!!!”

Wouldn’t it?! I mean, he’s not LOOKING to get in your pants, but if a long day of picking up potentially dead girls’ garments gets your gears going and you two happen to pop some André over a candlelit dinner and things just kind of happen…well, it’s not like he’s going to say no.

“again older n cool but kinda retired if you think it could be you send me what your doing now n why you think this could be for you”

Yes, please send him an email with your résumé attached. He cares about your career goals. It’s not enough to want to just live in this potential murder house–it’s important to tell him WHY. Because the creepy, old–but kind of cool–guy needs to vet his potential sex maids. Can’t have any weirdos up in here, you guys.

“ok that’s it send a pic”

Fuck it, I’m still applying. $525 a month? Can’t beat it.

[via Craigslist]

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Jordan Gershowitz

Jordan is a writer living in a small yet overpriced apartment in NYC. He can always be found in his favorite pair of topsiders, even though he doesn't own a yacht (yet). He may not always be right, but he's never wrong and he also knows that finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. He could eat cereal for every meal, but doesn't...because you know...carbs. For angry tweets about the state of IU basketball follow him @jordangersh

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