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Ohio State PD Gets An Armored Car Because College Town Cops Are Basically 5 Year Olds Playing “Army Man”

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I love it that my Todd Storm stories keep becoming less and less far fetched. This armored car acquisition by the Ohio State University PD leads me to believe that some day soon a university police officer is going to Judge Dredd a poor, random college kid for holding a half full can of Natty and I will no longer know the difference between my writing and reality. It’ll be sort of like that one terrible John Candy movie, Delirious, except with more gratuitous violence and a sex scene no one but me will enjoy.

So the Ohio State Police Department recently got themselves quite the little piece of military grade equipment, specifically an International Maxxpro MRAP (Mine Resistant Ambush Protected) armored vehicle. According to Total Frat Move’s Self-Appointed Military Correspondent, BlutarskyTFM, the Maxxpro MRAP can withstand some pretty serious damage, of the exploding variety, which I believe is military jargon for “it protects you from boom booms.” The thing was literally built to survive IED explosions and surprise barrages of AK-47 fire. Naturally, then, a university police department in Ohio needed to get its hands on one as soon as possible, before one of their regular squad cars runs over an IED burning bag of dog shit. Between Ohio State’s apparent armor boner and the Columbia, Missouri Police Department purchasing an RPG proof armored car of their own in the event of something that will almost certainly never happen in mid-Missouri, is there any doubt at this point that so many of these otherwise bored college town police officers dream of being Robocop or Batman or some other 5-year-old’s fantasy? A lot of college town police officers remind me of that scene from The Town where Ben Affleck complains about an armored truck driver being dangerous because he takes his job WAY too seriously.

“Wahn kid is like fahkin’ G.I. Joah, he weahs the vest on tha outside and tucks his pants into his fahkin’ cawmbat boots.”

Though, ironically, that armored car driver was subsequently robbed by four men with automatic weapons.

Regardless, it really speaks to the quality of police work done by college cops when none of them dream of being Sherlock Holmes (not even the ass kicking Robert Downey Jr. version), Agent Mulder, or some other fictional law enforcement character that valued intellect and patience over GRRR ‘SPLOSIONS AND GUNS AND TANKS (*makes explosion sounds with mouth*). Get a fucking grip, guys.

I’ll give credit where credit is due: the OSU PD didn’t pay for this wildly unnecessary piece of equipment, rather, they obtained it at no cost through military surplus. Though, to be fair, they’re also spending a fair amount of money remodeling it for their own use. By the way, they are they only police department in the entire state of Ohio to have this type of equipment. Totally necessary.

[via Yahoo! News]

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