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Nursing Homes Need More Sex

According to ABC News a recent editorial from the journal Public Health Ethics asserts that the elderly, specifically residents of nursing homes, deserve to still be leading active and healthy sex lives, even those residents with Alzheimers and dementia. The editorial argues that sexuality is a human right and that your rights are not forfeited just because a person moves into a nursing home, even if that person has dementia.

I wish they weren’t right. I REALLY wish they weren’t right. But dammit, they’re right. If someone’s nana wants to get fingerblasted beneath her afghan while she watches Some Like it Hot in the activity room on movie night then who am I to say no? That said, walking into a nursing home with the knowledge that behind any door there could be an elderly couple rubbing liver spots together like there’s no tomorrow (because there probably isn’t) is just about the only thing that could make those places worse. Personally I think there are enough bodily fluids freely flowing around nursing homes already, no need to add any more. But again, it’s not my place to make that decision.

Nursing homes, even nice nursing homes, are depressing places. One of my grandmothers had dementia and had to spend her last year or so in a home. It sucked. The home was nice, but like I said, even the nice ones are fucking depressing. I wanted something, anything to make the home a happier place for her. Well, anything other than the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company Ward B’s ancient dong. I definitely never left a visit with my grandma thinking “God she needs to get laid.”

There are tangible upsides to allowing and facilitating this creaky, arthritic love making. Having a sexual partner helps alleviate the loneliness many of the senior citizens feel at a nursing home. I can get on board with that. There can’t be anything lonelier than being forced to make new friends at 91 because all of your friends are dead. Fuck that, I barely like exerting the effort required to make new friends now. There’s also the fact sex at any age helps enrich people’s lives and makes them feel healthier. Plus if the lady you’re getting with does have dementia then that probably means she won’t be incessantly texting you the next day, and I think we’re all cool with that, amiright fellas? Eh? Eh? (*elbow nudge*) You know what I’m talking about.

So I begrudgingly agree with you, Public Health Ethics. These people are adults, and if they want to have the grossest sex on the planet, they deserve to! Besides, if you can manage to keep an erection after slipping off your partner’s adult diapers you Goddamn deserve to get laid. And we all have to admit that we’re probably not going to stop wanting to use our dicks just because we’re wheelchair bound, our spouses are dead, there’s a gallon of stool in our pants, and we can feel the reaper’s icy breath on the back of our necks. So let’s not be hypocrites…

…but I swear to God if I ever walk in on a lemon party I am just gonna lose it.

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