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Notre Dame Unveils New Uniform, Induces Nationwide Vomitting

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There is nothing I hate more than when Notre Dame is in the news. I don’t give a flying fuck how prestigious their football program was back in the 1800’s. When is the last time they were relevant? I’ll tell you: Rudy. At least he moved on with his life and helped Frodo destroy the ring of power. For fuck’s sake, Notre Dame’s last National Championship came under the coaching reign of Lou Holtz. Yeah, he’s the guy on ESPN with such an intense slur that even his fellow sportscasters are worried he’s having a massive stroke every time he speaks. Cool football program.

Moving on, the overhyped Fighting Irish have unveiled a new uniform that will be worn on October 6 against Miami (Fla.) at Soldier Field in Chicago. It’s hideous, and somewhere Maryland football is having the high-five party of the decade.

“Fuck yes! Now we aren’t the only ones with unis designed by a schizophrenic 5-year-old,” said a Maryland player, probably.

How did they go from their simplistic, timeless uniforms to this? I’m not a doctor. I have no fucking idea.

“The players absolutely love the uniforms designed by Adidas for this game and they will help make it a memorable night,” Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly said in a statement.

Don’t fucking lie to me, Kelly. Either you recruited a bunch of players that are as blind as Helen Keller, and things are even worse than suspected, or your players hate these fucking uniforms just as much as I do.

I can’t even take this hardcore Adidas commercial seriously:

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