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North Korea Says US “Crossed A Red Line” By Blacklisting Kim Jong Un And Oooh I’m Sooo Scared

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The United States blacklisted Kim Jong Un for crimes against humanity, effectively freezing all business relations between our nation and the Hermit Kingdom. Best Korea didn’t take too kindly to the news, considering the act a “declaration of war.”

From Sky News:

Han Song Ryol of the North’s foreign ministry said: “The Obama administration went so far to have the impudence to challenge the supreme dignity of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea in order to get rid of its unfavourable position during the political and military showdown with the DPRK.

“The United States has crossed the red line in our showdown.

“We regard this thrice-cursed crime as a declaration of war.”

Political prison camps across North Korea are estimated to hold between 80,000 and 120,000 detainees, including children.

Imprisoning thousands of children for political dissent? Come on, Kimmy. You are a sick, twisted, angry little bastard. You had to have seen these sanctions coming. But if you act on this “declaration of war,” I guarantee you won’t see what’s coming next — your body will be incinerated before your senses can even feel the heat.

Real talk, though. What would happen if we went to war with North Korea? There’s a good chance it’ll happen. And sooner rather than later. Here’s how I think it would go down.

Kim Jong Un would initiate the war. But since North Korea doesn’t have the ability to launch an attack against the United States, they would go after South Korea. South Korea would get smacked by the full extent of North Korea’s missiles. Kimmy’s stockpile doesn’t have much range, but he could still do some serious damage to our allies, as well as our military personnel stationed there.

A royally pissed off United States would respond by plopping its bulbous nards right on top of Pyongyang. In other words, we’d bomb them harder than anyone’s been bombed in half a century.

Next, North Korea would ask China for help. China would politely tell them to fuck off because their economy relies on selling shit to the US.

Lastly, the slow and costly yet inevitable process of Korean unification will begin. North Koreans will freak the fuck out because they’ll be exposed to the world around them for the first time. Tension and riots and probably a civil war will follow.

Then, hopefully, after 50 more years of strife, United Korea will become a pretty chill place to hang out. The End.

[via Sky News]

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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