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Non-Alcoholic Beer? That Just Ain’t Right

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non-alcoholic beer

Some call me an alcoholic, but I prefer to say my life is sponsored by Natural Light. Alcohol is cheaper than FAFSA; that’s all I’m saying.

On my daily trip to the liquor store, after emerging from the promised land of the Mexican beer section, I encountered something truly disgusting. At the end of the freezer case was a row of six packs labeled “Non-Alcoholic Coors Light.”

Oh dear God. What did we do to be cursed with such a monstrosity? Is this retaliation for fidget spinners? Definitely retaliation for the fidget spinners. Why get rid of the alcohol in Coors Light? If you’re electing to go with non-alcoholic beers, just don’t even go out. Go fix up a glass of warm milk, put on your nightcap, and call it a night. Unless you’re a recovering alcoholic, of course, which is the only situation in which downing non-A beers is acceptable.

This is a problem we all face today: the phantom menace known as non-alcoholic beer. Liberals are convinced Donald Trump is the end of society as we know it, but I’m convinced that it’s beer without alcohol. Beer is not coffee that you can go and decaffeinate because you “like the taste but not the effects.” If you’re going to take alcohol out of beer, you might as well take the red, white, and blue off the American flag. I’ve seen manlier beverages come with a Happy Meal from McDonald’s.

There is absolutely no purpose for its existence, like the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie or the Anaheim Ducks hockey team. Benjamin Franklin, American founding father and renowned electrocution enthusiast, said it best: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” During Prohibition, the sticks in the mud in Washington completely banned alcohol and, to be total buzzkills about it, even put it in the Constitution (I still blame you, Senator John Morris Sheppard, for that).

And what happened? The entire nation responded with a collective “screw this” and drank more than ever before. Consider this: legend has it the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth was because they ran out of beer. Pilgrims — some of the most hardcore puritans there ever where — still drank the sweet alcoholic nectar of the gods.

Reject the un-American stalemate that is un-alcoholic beer if you have any shred of dignity or semblance of good taste.

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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