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MIAMI — A week into the summer semester, newly appointed Beta Mu recruitment chair Chad Porter is already teetering on the brink of a full-fledged mental breakdown. With very little interest by fellow members to help out his cause, the once chipper rising junior has been uncharacteristically short tempered and easily rattled to the very fiber of his being believing the future of his already thriving chapter rest solely on his shoulders.
“Our boy has become unhinged,” said pledge brother Andrew Coleman. “He actually got us banned from freshman orientations because he snapped Delta Sig’s tri-fold over his knee for trying to encroach on our table space. That, and he did start choking out a legacy he didn’t deem worthy of his time with one of our homecoming trophies. Waiting to hear from the alum for that move any day now.”
Organizing events, texting and conversing with hundreds of potential rushees and sorority groupies on a daily basis, and attempting to get other Beta Mus to put forth even the slightest amount of effort into growing the organization or just not completely submarine his own attempts has clearly taken its toll on Porter.
“I’ve never seen so much anger and evil in a man’s eyes before,” added sophomore David Jones. “But when he got word that we used all the propane tanks out on the gun range for target practice last week minutes before our backyard barbecue, I’m almost positive I looked right into the fiery soul of Satan himself.”
“You hate to see this type of downward spiral into a deep, dark corner of insanity that’s completely preventable if someone would just lend my man a hand with all this nonsense,” continued Coleman. “Me? Unfortunately I’m a little too busy enjoying my summer. Besides, this house sells itself. But I do hope he gets the assistance he needs to persevere through these trying times. Praying for you, Chad.”
When reached for comment, Porter eloquently told this reporter to “fuck off” and to “eat a bag of dicks” as he microwaved 300 hotdogs and hamburgers.
The school’s official fall rush week begins in 87 days..