New Year’s Day Is The Holiday That Unites Us All

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We are finally just a couple of short days away from the best damn holiday of the year. And no, I’m not talking about New Year’s Eve. I’m talking about the day after. Don’t get me wrong, New Year’s Eve is a close second. It’s amazing. As a matter of fact, New Year’s Day is the best holiday BECAUSE New Year’s Eve is amazing. But New Years Day is special in its own way. It unites us.

New Year’s Day is the only day when literally all of America is hungover together.

There is something so oddly beautiful about that. Obviously, hangovers suck. We all already know that. Your head is pounding, you’re vomiting all over yourself, there’s a tiger in your hotel bathroom, you lost your friend Doug. (Yes, I understand that I’m 8 years late on that movie reference). But when the whole world is hungover at the same time? We’re more united than ever. We’re suffering together. On New Year’s Day, we are all one. I honestly think that’s so beautiful. If that doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, you’re a goddamn monster.

No holiday brings EVERYONE together the way New Year’s Day does. Christmas? Nope. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, dumbass. Plus, every Christmas you’re pissing off your dad by only giving him socks. Thanksgiving? Nope. You gotta deal with your drunk racist uncle every year. It’s hectic. Not to mention the stress that ensues when you’re 20 pounds heavier the next day. Halloween? Nope. There’s always some sociopathic asshole in the neighborhood that gives kids apples instead of candy. Sad.

New Year’s Day is an important day for America. Especially this year. There’s a lot of division in the country. We need unity now more than ever. Maybe you have a coworker that you disagree with politically. Maybe you two are always arguing and butting heads. But when you stroll into work on New Year’s Day, with sunglasses on to protect the light from your extra sensitive, blood-shot eyes, you’ll see him looking miserable, too. You’re both chugging water and popping Advil like tic tacs, secretly wishing you overdose because being dead wouldn’t be nearly as bad as that hangover. Or actually working on New Year’s Day. And as you both look at each other, equally miserable from your booze-soaked evenings, you’ll realize “Hey, we’re not so different after all.”

New Year’s Eve is great because it’s the only holiday where getting drunk is mandatory. Sure, you get drunk on other holidays, but on New Year’s Eve its a requirement. You get to say goodbye to the previous year and say hello to a fresh start. You get to set healthy, life-changing resolutions that you’ll break in five days or less. So have a jolly old time this weekend. Take more shots to the head than JFK at a motorcade, dance like a fool, and embarrass yourself in public.

But more importantly, enjoy New Year’s Day. Throw on some college football, sink yourself firmly into the couch, and embrace the only day where everyone is equally miserable.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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