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New Study Says Alcohol, Not Exercise, Key To Longer Life

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Every time I visit my old, Korean War veteran grandfather, one of the first things he asks me is “Want to do shots?” Before I can even walk through his door, he already has the bottle of some weird Italian liqueur pulled out and shot glasses ready to go.

At first, the question struck me as odd, but over time, my answer has changed from “abso-fucking-lutely” to “how many…?” And I don’t have too much pride to admit that he outdrinks every time.

Well, it turns out Gramps O.G. Italian Stallion might be onto something.

From the Chicago Tribune:

When it comes to making it into your 90s, booze actually beats exercise, according to a long-term study.

The research, led by University of California neurologist Claudia Kawas, tracked 1,700 nonagenarians enrolled in the 90+ Study that began in 2003 to explore impacts of daily habits on longevity.

Researchers discovered that subjects who drank about two glasses of beer or wine a day were 18 percent less likely to experience a premature death, the Independent reports.

Turns out the fountain of youth wasn’t filled with water; it was filled with cheap booze. But isn’t the secret to a long life good diet and exercise, just as 1980s sequined fitness legend Richard Simmons used to preach?

Meanwhile, participants who exercised 15 to 45 minutes a day, cut the same risk by 11 percent.

I knew it! Finally, I’m vindicated for all those times I skipped going to the gym to hit up happy hour at the bar and down a few pitchers of Bud Light. Jokes on you, my friends who are in actually good shape. Turns out the best six pack to have is the one filled with beer, not abs.

“I have no explanation for it, but I do firmly believe that modest drinking improves longevity,” Kawas stated over the weekend at the American Association for the Advancement of Science annual conference in Austin, Texas.

Now I’m not going to say that means I’m going to live forever, but I’m probably going to live forever. Watch out everybody, because I’m fucking immortal.

Gear up, fuckers. Looks like we’re going to be here for a good time, and a LONG time.

[via Chicago Tribune]

Image via Shutterstock

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.

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