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New Study Proves That Girls With Cats Are Insane

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New Study Proves That Girls With Cats Are Insane

The three most glaring red flags a woman can raise are: “I don’t do blowjobs,” “Check out this article I read on Jezebel,” and “I have to go home and feed my cat.”

Any girl who would take a cat brooding in the corner over the happy, slobbery face of a dog has issues. Sure, when she throws on faux cat ears and paints whiskers on her face for a special evening in the sack, it’ll be a hell of a time (just don’t expect to sleep comfortably on your back afterwards). But if she has a cat, it’s a sure sign that she, like her feline companion, is unfeeling, sadistic and downright crazy.

She’s the type of girl who will cheat on you, and then justify it as female empowerment. The type of girl who will bitch at you to see an indie movie about the trials and tribulations of a struggling femme novelist with a “quirky personality” and a septum piercing. The type of girl who hears voices in her head — and they’re telling her to kill you.

A recent study linked cat ownership to schizophrenia. It’s not just a coincidence, either. Researchers say that a parasite transmitted from cats to humans may be the cause of the crazy.

From The Huffington Post:

Of course, this research merely shows a link rather than a causal relationship. But researchers theorize that the parasite Toxoplasma gondii (T. gondii), which is found in cats and can be passed on to humans, could play some role in the development of the mental illness.

Which came first: the crazy or the cat? If the latter is proven, that’s even more of a reason to steer clear of people who own such a pet. If you don’t, there’s a possibility of becoming infected and developing schizophrenia as well. You’ll be having wild, scratchy, awesome sex one night, only to wake up to a giant rabbit standing at the foot of your bed, telling you to rob a bank and bury the money somewhere in Alaska.

Make like a cat in water and get the fuck out, before it’s too late.

[via The Huffington Post]

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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