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New Study Confirms Fraternity Men Are Immortal

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Throughout life, we are taught that alcohol leads to poor decision-making and is overall detrimental to your health. While we certainly have all made the poor decision to send some risky 3 a.m. “hey U up?” texts at one time or another, it turns out that alcohol may actually be adding to our life expectancy rather than hindering it.

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From The Sun:

While the health implications involved with excessive alcohol consumption are widely known, it seems the old adage ‘everything in moderation’ is key.

Scientists examined individuals aged between 55 and 65 over a 20-year period, while accounting for other factors including socioeconomic status and level of physical activity.

Psychologist Charles Holahan, who led the study, found mortality rates were highest in people who had never had a sip of alcohol, slightly lower for heavy drinkers and lowest for moderate drinkers.

Out of 1824 participants, only 41 per cent of moderate drinkers died early in comparison to 69 per cent of non-drinkers, according to Time.

Even heavy drinkers seemed to fair better than the non-drinkers in the study, with a premature mortality rate of 60 per cent.

So there we have it, folks — the moderate to severe drinking problem you acquired during your undergraduate years in your fraternity is also the same reason why you will exponentially outlive the losers “No one lives forever, no one. But with advances in modern science and my high-level income, it’s not crazy to think I can live to be 245, maybe 300.” Only in this case, “advances in modern science and a high-level income” are instead sidewalk slammers and Jack & Cokes.

The next time the one loser bouncer at your local watering hole questions why he’s let you into his establishment for the last 19 nights in a row? You can scoff at him and walk right on by, irresponsibly confident that you’ll live to be at least 20 years older than him.

[via The Sun]

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