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Yesterday, TFM published “Boston Is The World’s Most Frat City.”
It was cute.
A good try. A valiant effort. A worthy attempt.
I have the same kind of pride a father might have for his first-born son when he steps up to the plate at his first tee-ball game. And just like the kid’s first swing, that article was a whiff. Boston as the world’s most frat city? If by “frat” you meant incestuous, watahhhh-loving, sports-obsessed Massholes, then you’re spot-on. Otherwise, there is no doubt that New Orleans is the most frat city in the world.
Before I go any further, I’ll repeat what PortlandPledgeHazers said: I am definitely not saying New Orleans-area schools have the best Greek life. This is about what’s in the city limits, plain and simple. And it’s there where Nawlins has any other city beat.
If there were any city that could lay claim to being a “utopia of booze-loving Americans,” it is for sure The Big Easy. We are the town that invented the hand grenade, the to-go cup, the drive-thru daiquiri shop, and “the hurricane,” a deadly combination of liquor and sugar inspired by the things that repeatedly come close to wiping New Orleans off the map. Our bars never close, and neither do the wallets at the numerous strip joints we have. We are the city that has a festival every weekend of the calendar year just to have an excuse for dressing up and drinking booze (one of which is actually this weekend: the “NOLA Running of the Bulls”). We have a world-renowned street that is literally named after the drink of choice of many a fraternity member. Have a bus trip you’re planning for you and the hot sorority on campus? Show me a fraternity that is not booking round trip tickets to New Orleans, and I’ll show you some fake news.
If all that weren’t enough, we lay claim to one of the best parties in the world year in and year out: Mardi Gras. It is literally a weeklong celebration during which it is not only legal and socially acceptable, but highly encouraged to get blackout drunk while running around demanding shiny crap be thrown to you. Mardi Gras is Louisiana’s own little version of The Purge, except the only thing we are purging is our stomachs from the night before. We bring the heat every year trying to one-up the previous Carnivale. Boston threw one party in a harbor 200 years ago, and they still won’t shut up about how badass it was. NOLA folks are born with iron livers (mostly due to our mothers being mild alcoholics while pregnant), can party their balls off, and still make it to work the next morning (albeit reeking of Sazeracs and regret). There’s a reason why New Orleans also lays claim to the #1 liver transplant hospital in the world. It’s not enough to run through one fully-functioning liver; we have to get replacements from those yahoos up in Bean Town just to make it through one lifetime.
“But what about Boston sports?” you’re saying. “He’s got you beat there!”
Does he? Who wants to root for a city that has won numerous championships in recent years? Where’s the fun in that? I don’t want to feel entitled to a championship ring every season. That’s what Pats fans and ‘Bama fans are all about, and we all can pretty much agree on how terrible they are. Give me the team that was the lovable losers of the NFL for 44 years before winning their first Super Bowl. Fun fact: we partied so hard the night of the 2009 Super Bowl win that the city reported no major crime had occurred. No murder, no robbery, nothing. Everyone was too busy celebrating and partying.
We all hate the fraternities that pride themselves way too much on IM supremacy. You just want to drink and try to relive that one victory you had while half-assing your way through the next 10 years of mediocrity, right? Hi, welcome to New Orleans Saints fandom.
Finally, history. Boston unquestionably has a proud history that spans the entirety of the good ‘ol U.S. of A’s existence. Respect. You guys were at the start of it all and helped make America what it is today. But if I wanted a history lesson, I wouldn’t have skipped my 8 a.m. summer class this morning. I don’t want to stoop to Boston man’s level, so just know that New Orleans’ history is just as (if not more) important. The Battle of New Orleans, the birthplace of jazz, the alleged birthplace of the cocktail, the overt corruption — the list goes on and on. We’ve existed for 300 years and have sat side-saddle to every major event in American history given our importance as America’s standalone top-tier port. You’re not as special as you think you are, Bean Town.
New Orleans may be “the city that care forgot,” but there’s no way you can forget or mistake it as anything but the most frat city in the world. The famous playwright Tennessee Williams once said, “America only has three cities: New York, San Francisco, and New Orleans. Everywhere else is Cleveland.”
Pretty much sums it up..
Image via Shutterstock