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New Infrared Technology Detects Intoxication

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I can’t say specifically where, but I’m almost positive that somewhere in the Bill of Rights includes the Right to Be Highly Intoxicated. It’s in there, right? It’s gotta be. Unfortunately for us, a couple of uncircumcised (most likely?) computer geeks from Greece are threatening to make being highly intoxicated marginally more difficult:

The first algorithm utilizes thermal-image scans, since alcohol causes blood-vessel dilation. Koukiou and Anastassopoulos compared scans from subjects who were inebriated against sober subjects. In order to compensate for human, environmental and equipment variables, a second algorithm is used. This analyzes parts of the subject’s face: alcohol consumption will cause a person’s nose to become warmer, while their forehead stays cooler.

I’m not really sure what an algorwookie or whatever is, but it sounds mathematical and scientific. In my humble opinion, it sounds a bit shoddy. For instance, lots of substances dilate your blood vessels including Ibuprofen and other OTC drugs of that sort. A ton of sugar might do the trick as well, and it would be pretty shitty to get tossed in the clanker after inhaling a molten lava cake. And the poor fat guy whose face is always flushed due to the fact that reaching for the Doritos is overexerting himself.

Should this technology go commercial, many of us will be fucked. The immediate use of such a device would most likely be implemented to nail drunk drivers–a good thing, don’t get me wrong–but it’s the other ways in which it could be used that are potentially worrisome: house parties, major sporting events, and anywhere public really. Reciting the alphabet backwards at astonishing speed or upping the ante and doing cartwheels in a straight line won’t matter worth shit if a cop infrareds your ass. And there’s always that assclown cop who creams himself whilst giving out PIs.

Until then, party on, and when it hits, party on. But come on, Greece. Maybe if you put money into your economy instead of stupid inventions like this, you wouldn’t be in the shitter right now. Just a thought.


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