Ronda Rousey can thank Mariah Carey for stepping up and becoming the last punching bag of 2016.
Unfortunately for Ronda, I don’t forget. Rousey has been a media hype machine for some time now and was flaunted as an unstoppable force in the women’s division of UFC.
After losing back-to-back fights in beat down fashion, her time as a relevant fighter has come to an abrupt end. Everyone’s got a plan until they get punched in the mouth.
Luckily for Ronda I’ve come up with a few plans of my own for her in 2017:
The Surreal Life
I’m not sure if this show even exists anymore. But if it does, Rousey would make for a good fit.
If she really gave a damn about her future she would go the extra mile and make a sex tape with castmate Flava Flav. Lord knows he’s been sitting around waiting for a new season to be announced.
It’s too late for Rousey to become a contestant this season and that’s OK. Next year, when nearly everyone has forgotten about her existence, is the perfect time to join the cast.
I can see it already: Rousey humbly brags that she can get Dana White to dig into his deep pockets and donate a boatload in an effort to help her win a fundraising challenge.
*Rousey dials up White’s phone number with a crooked smile on her face, knowing she pulled out the ace up her sleeve.
“The number you are trying to reach is no longer in service…”
Rousey’s smile, along with her remaining self-esteem, withers away before the camera’s eyes.
There is a 50 percent chance that if you wake up in the middle of the night in 2017 unable to sleep you will see Rousey staring in a late-night infomercial. She won’t be the spokesperson or anything. No, Rousey will be the fit chick working out silently in the background for a new piece of workout equipment that will be off the market before 2018.
Without speaking she can put her resting bitch face to good use. It’s a perfect fit.
Rocky IV Remake
With tensions rising between America and Russia, it’s great timing to capitalize and remake Rocky IV. The easiest role to cast will be Rousey reprising a character inspired by Apollo Creed.
Rousey stars as the washed up American champion who comes out of retirement only to take a beating once more. She doesn’t have to die like Apollo (RIP). Have a heart, people. A solid knockout will suffice.
Rousey can look no further than the footage from her previous two fights for inspiration for the role. It should come quite naturally.
*A Rocky IV remake is where I draw the line with Hollywood. Seriously, don’t even think about touching that masterpiece.
Check Into Rehab
Ronda doesn’t have a drug, alcohol or mental issue that I’m aware of, and that’s a good thing.
Celebrities go to rehab, that’s just what they do. Check yourself in for unknown reasons and pray you get some empathy out of it. That’s celebrity 101 when it comes to trying to receive a clean slate.
Adding another woman who is past her prime on the panel as a host couldn’t hurt, right?
There is no better outlet to continue making people believe you are indeed the baddest woman in the world than the WWE.
Remember, Rousey, it’s not a lie if you believe it.
Return to the Octagon and Reclaim the Championship
Author’s Note: Ronda Rousey would undoubtedly beat me to oblivion..