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From USA Today:
In a story that speaks to the football-crazed state of Nebraska, a college football transfer was convinced to join the local Cornhuskers after getting pulled over by a state trooper en route to his first visit to the campus.
First off, this is the type of shit that never happens to me. If I get pulled over for speeding you know what happens? I get a fucking speeding ticket. Meanwhile, kids in Nebraska are getting pulled over for speeding and getting division one football scholarships to kick for the Cornhuskers.
Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t kick a 10-yard field goal with gale force winds at my back, so I never expect anything like this. Hell, I come from a long line of men that can’t kick any type of ball with any success. One time I tried out for punter in Pee Wee football and legit kicked a tight spiral right back up the long snapper’s asshole. But this isn’t about me, this about some sketchy recruiting shit that went down in Nebraska.
Pat Smith, a kicker from Western Illinois University, was on his way to Lincoln, Neb., over the weekend when a Nebraska trooper pulled him over shortly after he crossed the border from Iowa, presumably for exceeding the speed limit. Rather than hand Smith a ticket, however, the trooper let him off with a warning and a description of what it means to be a Cornhusker.
Uh huh. Nice try, Ranger Rick. I’m not buying this for a goddamn second. He probably got back in his squad car, ripped off his fake badge and mustache, called Nebraska’s head coach, Bo Pelini, and said something in code like, “The corn cob is buttered and on the grill.” I assume every conversation in Lincoln, Nebraska involves corn, especially covert recruiting dialogues. But you know what was the biggest give away that this was all a ploy to recruit a kicker? This right here:
Smith gives some of the details:
“(The trooper) took my insurance card and went back to his car. He then waved me back to his car. We spent about 15 minutes talking about the Huskers.”
After the chat, the trooper let Smith off with a written warning and “an idea of what the rest of the visit would be like,” Shuckman writes.”
What!?! Was he wearing a fucking shirt that had “I’m on an official recruiting visit to the University of Nebraska to see about becoming their next kicker” written on it? Am I supposed to believe that this State Trooper has the gift of spotting talented NCAA kickers and just happens to love the Nebraska Cornhuskers? You know why this State Trooper let you off with a warning, Pat? Because recruiters working for the Nebraska Cornhuskers football program are not allowed to hand out citations for speeding — that’s fucking why. So here is how it played out:
“Smith is enrolling at Nebraska as a graduate student, meaning he can kick immediately without sitting out the 2013 season as a transfer. As a junior, Smith was one of 10 finalists for the Fred Mitchell Outstanding Place-Kicker Award, which is given to the best kicker on the FCS, Division II, Division II, NAIA and junior college levels.”
Pelini responding back to his recruiter: “The corn is off the grill and officially on the plate. I repeat. The corn is on the plate.”
So we’re all supposed to just read a cute little back story about how a Nebraska State Trooper convinced a talented young kicker to go play for Bo and the rest of Husker nation. Bullshit. I’d hate it if I didn’t respect it. College football recruiting is such a racket I can’t even stand it. Lord knows what kind of scams ol’ Nick Saban and Les Miles are running to sign their top tier skill position players. If I had to guess, it involves strippers, money, cars, and I’ll bet Saban probably leaks a couple of nude selfies his daughter took to his running backs. Diabolical genius.
[via USA Today]
Image via USA Today