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I Might Fuck Around And Buy This House In Texas That’s Filled To The Brim With Natty Light Cans

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As someone who is only 5 months into a 12-month lease and who also hates the act of moving so much that he plans to live in his current apartment again next year out of sheer laziness, I am not currently interested in buying a house. What’s more, I am certainly not interested in buying a house that would require a four hour commute to the office everyday. But I’m interested in buying this house. Because this house is not just a house; it’s the house.

108 Freese Drive, Sanger, TX, 76266. Or, as I’d like to call it after this credit check that I’m almost certainly going to fail goes through, home.


I know, I know; it doesn’t look like much from the outside. But that’s part of its greatness! It’s called theft prevention: thieves don’t rob houses that are shittier than theirs. That’s part of the thieves code. Sure, this house is still at risk of being robbed by a drifter, but that’s just a risk you take when you buy any house. Even then, most drifters are smart enough to know to avoid houses that look as if other drifters may already be inside of them. Drifters respect other drifters’ territory. That’s part of the drifters code.

The front’s the worst part, anyways. When it comes to the exterior, this little fixer-upper really shines through via the back porch area, which is complete with mosquito netting for those buggy Texas nights.


If you don’t think that porch looks like a great hangout spot for all the pit bulls I’ll somehow acquire simply by living in this house, you’re insane.

Now, for the pièce de résistance of this elegant, thief-resistant 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath domicile: the interior.

Let’s start with the bedroom, which is so much more than just a bedroom!


If I was Dillon McDonald, this property’s listing agent, I’d advertise this house as having 1.5 kitchens. A microwave on a step stool has to count, right? Judging by the amount of empty cans nearby, it clearly works as a kitchen even if those stiffs at the RE/MAX office won’t let him describe it as such. Speaking of cans…



I’ll be frank: the fact that this house is inexplicably full of Natural Light cases and cans is the main reason why I’m interested in purchasing it for the low, low price of $89,900. Aside from the fact that the mortgage on that would only be like $549/month after the down payment — a steal in its own right — if I buy this house, I take dominion over all of its contents, which I can then sell. I’m going to gut the fuck out of this place and make it work for me. It’ll be like Hoarders meets Storage Wars. Urine soaked mattress – $15. Microwave – $20. Adidas shoebox – $80 if there are shoes inside of it, $5 if it’s empty, $20 if there is a diorama inside of it, $5,000 if there is a diorama inside of it that solves the cold case of a missing child.

And don’t even get me started on the Natural Light cases and cans! First off, any beer that’s left in those cans is now my beer. For the first time in my life, I’m praying I find some wounded soldiers. Second, I could use all of those cases to craft an entire clothing line of Natural Light garb. I’ll call it “30 Raqq,” and our fall fashions line will look something like this:


Finally, after checking all of those cans for beer, I can sell all of them to recycling centers for pure profit. Judging by that hallway picture, there appears to be approximately $30,000 worth of aluminum cans in this house, but I’m not completely sure about that figure. Gotta consult the drifters code handbook first to confirm.

Tentative housewarming party: February 7, 2017. BYOPit bull.


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Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

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