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Mythological Heroes As Fraternity Members

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It’s common knowledge that all fraternities require their pledges to learn the history of their organizations. But what about the history of Greece itself? Mythology is chock-full of interesting characters, stories, and creatures. Before there was ever a fraternity man, there was the mythological hero. These guys killed monsters, fucked women, and were generally symbols of badassery. What if some of these guys existed in contemporary fraternity culture?

Perseus – The Rich Kid

In mythology: Perseus was the son of Zeus and a mortal woman named Danae, whom Zeus approached as a shower of gold. Some of his exploits include slaying the hideous Gorgon Medusa, defeating the sea monster Cetus, and marrying the princess Andromeda. Throughout his heroic career, Perseus was armed with the best equipment: He had the winged horse Pegasus, a magic sword, helm, shield and sack, and later Medusa’s head.

In a fraternity: Perseus would likely be the first bid from the top house on campus. He would have it all: sweet car, expensive clothes, a gold Roley, and top-shelf liquor. Everyone would be trying to befriend him and he would have gold diggers galore going for him. The top-shelf booze would be a curse, though; he’ll sometimes black out and wake up next to a Gorgon.

Odysseus – The President

In mythology: Odysseus was the king of Ithaca and a wily Greek commander in the Trojan War, known for the Trojan Horse plot. He later tried to lead his men home against insurmountable odds. Some perils he encountered on his journey were the cyclops Polyphemus, who he blinded, the creatures Scylla and Charybdis, the witch Circe, and the horny nymph Calypso.

In a fraternity: Odysseus would definitely be the president of his fraternity, as he would be trusted above all the other degenerates. Like how he led his men out of Polyphemus’s cave, he would lead the fraternity out of hazing allegations and public relations crises. Similar to how he gained the Greeks access to Troy with the horse, he would gain a Greek Week victory for his brothers.

Achilles – The Belligerent Drunk

In mythology: Achilles is best known as a hero on the Greeks’ side in the Trojan War. He was a hell of a warrior, with a cocky attitude and a near-invincible mentality. He is known for killing the Trojan prince Hector and having one weak spot: his heel.

In a fraternity: Achilles would be the resident asshole tough guy, regularly drinking to excess and flaunting his so-called “toughness.” He would be the first one to pick fights with members of rival fraternities. Arrogant and competitive, he would do whatever it takes to be the alpha male, whether it be trying to outdrink everyone around him or beat someone up.

Aeneas – The Pussy Magnet

In mythology: Throughout mythology, there are references to Aeneas slaying ass. First off, the guy was a Trojan. His people had a brand of condoms named after them. Secondly, his mom was the dimepiece known as Aphrodite, or the goddess of sex and lust. Aeneas was known to have two wives as well as the hot Carthaginian queen Dido as a lover. When he left Dido without calling, she committed suicide over not having him anymore!

In a fraternity: Aeneas would be a legacy for sure, and he’d live up to his goddess-fucking father. He would be the guy spotted leaving every party with the hottest girl there, as well as the brother with the highest body count. If he ever decided to settle down, it would be with a sexy sorority president.

Patroclus – The Stupid Pledge

In mythology: Patroclus was the younger cousin of Achilles, who fought in the Trojan War. He volunteered to lead Achilles’s men into battle, which led to his death by the sword of Trojan prince Hector. Achilles, fueled by a lust for vengeance, cut Hector down in a duel.

In a fraternity: Patroclus would be Achilles’s little brother. He would have a penchant for fucking up, whether it be on fraternity knowledge or just life, causing him to be hazed quite a bit. This would be the guy who couldn’t handle his liquor and would end up causing a fight that Achilles would jump in on.

Image via Shutterstock

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Your average degenerate from Minnesota.

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