What do all the following men have in common: John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, one of the Jonas brothers, JFK’s grandson, Taylor Lautner, and Calvin Harris (the douche “musician,” not that balding child who hangs out with a tiger named Hobbes)? They’ve all dated Taylor Swift, and they have the songs bashing the piss out of them to prove it. In my opinion, there is no greater honor than having an ex expose you for the giant douchebucket you truly are. None of my exes are musicians, which is unfortunate. I have an impressively prolific record of being an awful boyfriend and it would inspire nothing but top 40 bangers.
Taylor Swift is kind of an enigma. She presents herself to the media as a pure, little innocent wholesome angel even though she has a new boyfriend every 22 seconds. She used her ongoing beef with Kanye to help fuel her image of the victim. Last year, when Kanye made jokes about her in his song “Famous,” she publicly cried about it, until a video leaked of a phone call where she was explicitly giving Kanye permission to say the lyrics. What an adorable snake.
On top of that, when you have THIS many miserably failed relationships, maybe it’s time to look in the mirror and realize that the problem might be you. But hey, I’ve dated plenty of manipulative drama queens with victim complexes so I may as well stick to my formula. That’s why my main ambition in life is to date Taylor Swift. Not for the relationship itself, but so she can write a popular song that will have people tweeting skull emojis on my social media grave once it’s all over.
It sounds like it’d be amazing. Every time I turn on the radio, I could hear a catchy pop tune about how I didn’t appreciate her, maybe even with a line in the 2nd verse about that time I got whiskey dick on Valentine’s Day, or how when I asked for an open relationship when she introduced me to Katy Perry at a Christmas party.
Here’s my I’m gonna go about it: I’ll learn to how play guitar, completely master it in 10 minutes, become a famous musician, meet her at the Grammy’s and swoop her off her feet. My buddy Adam has an acoustic guitar that I plan on stealing in his sleep like some Oceans 11 hippie heist in the name of famous snatch.
I’ll do everything I can to make this song happen. I’ll forget her birthday, I’ll wear my Kanye shirt to her aunt’s funeral, I’ll tell her that Blank Space is overrated (its not, it’s a goddamn masterpiece but that’s beside the point).
I’ve mastered the art of being an apathetic boyfriend and I wanna take my talents to the big leagues. Look out for her Taylor’s new hit single “Worst Mistake” in 2018..
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