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My Ex Had Other Guys’ Dick Pics In Her Phone While We Dated, Now What?

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Dick pics are an oddly innovative invention. And, unfortunately, it’s the only time when the camera doesn’t add 10 pounds.

But since dick pics became a new fixture in our society somewhat recently, they’re like the Wild Wild West of the digital era (the time and place, not the shitty 1999 Will Smith movie). By that, I mean that the rules are somewhat unclear. Obviously there are certain rules. First off, don’t send an unsolicited dick pic to some unsuspecting girl. That shit is just creepy. Put yourself in her designer shoes. She’s trying to eat a chipotle burrito and all a sudden her phone buzzes and she’s got six inches of sadness in her face.

BUT, the gross grey area comes into play when it comes to possible infidelity. If a chick has nude pics of dudes she knows in her phone while she’s in a committed relationship, is it cheating? Eh, probably not. If she’s not interacting with that flesh cannon up close and personal, she’s technically being faithful. But it might emotional cheating. I don’t know what that terms means, though. I tried to google it but I can’t read.

The reason I bring up this is because I recently stumbled upon the grandiose, filthy Indiana Jones-esque discovery that my recent ex-girlfriend apparently had an art collection of nude photos and HD cockshot pics in her phone while we dated. She apparently bragged about it to some people, which I can understand. Building a gallery of one eyed weasel art takes talent and dedication.

Keep in mind, it wasn’t porn. That’s not cheating. My phone has a photo album filled pornographic images to touch myself to. Stuff like pics of nude lesbians making out, a picture of the time some dude threw a shoe at George W. Bush, and screenshots from the few positive Batman v. Superman reviews.

Nope, it wasn’t pornography. It was dudes we know personally. That’s a hilarious thing to hear about through the awkward social grapevine. Am I angry? No, sir. I ain’t necessarily upset; I’m just more confused than a kid with down syndrome in a calculus class.

The oddest part? Well, first off, I’m a stand-up comic. Moderate success, I’ve toured with some big names and did some shows for crowds of 5,000 people without shitting my pants. But don’t worry, my stand-up is just as horrifically unfunny as you wonderful dickfarts are already expecting.

Because she was dating me, though, she was automatically a part of the local comedy community. And it turns out that these pieces of purple drumstick photography mostly came from fellow comedians. This baffles me. If you’re going to talk to other dudes while we’re dating, why would you choose other comedians? You could choose plenty of dudes, but you go with other mentally ill broke dudes? That’s some severe insecurity. As a Trump tweet would say, “Sad!”

I wanted to confront these comedians but didn’t know how to. One of my main, brilliant plots was to do it at shows. For example, if I’m on stage and they’re in the audience with their scribbled set lists anxiously waiting to get on the mic, I could work it into my set and call them out by name. I could confidently speak into the mic with my best Chris Rock voice like “relationships are crazy! Yo, ya know when you look through your girl’s phone and find Brian Johnson’s dick in it?” You know, relatable humor.

But I’ve decided to be the Kaepernick of cocks and just take a knee and stay silent. Confronting her about this stuff won’t erase all those pet snakes from her phone. That conversation would just be more awkward than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah.

What’s the message? Keep your eyes open, stay woke like a coke addict on a three-day binge. Your girl might have naked pics of your buddy in her iPhone. If she does? Don’t blame her. Blame Steve Jobs. Dig his corpse up and slap him for making dick pics so easy, and maybe send a pic of his dick to your girl to add to her collection.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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