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My Drunk Friends

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You can tell your buddies and the girls at the bar that you can hold your liquor better than John Daly, but everyone can see through that lie. You are more of a degenerate than that. Don’t worry about it, though, because we all are. More than likely you fall into one of these categories of drunk friends I have prepared below.

The Happy Lightweight

This guy is the one who always seems to be happy when he is drinking, that is until he yaks in the trashcan and gets tossed from the bar. Girls always seem to like him because he is a safe option but he has a girlfriend to whom he is painfully loyal. He is a good friend to have but not your best option for that all day bar crawl. Treat him like a Gremlin — enjoy him for a while but be sure not to feed him after midnight.

The Violent Liability

This guy goes way too hard at the pregame and doesn’t slow down when he gets to the bar, either. He will consistently drag you to the bar to do shots and try to fight every “asshole” he sees on the way there. Odds are that if you wake up with a broken nose, you were probably out last night with this guy. He is probably the biggest guy in your friend group but also might have the smallest dick. Limit your contact with this guy or accept the possibility of your own imminent, bodily harm.

The Ladies Man

Sure he takes home a five from time to time but he’s not afraid to go down swinging on some tens, either. When he was growing up, his uncle probably told him, “Lower your standards and up your average.” He could probably do a little better but he isn’t complaining. He drinks only beer because there is nothing more disappointing to him than an uncooperative Johnson when he gets back to the room. If you see him with a girl that’s a little too gone, give him a little advice. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s also not the smartest.

The Marathoner

This guy is an absolute fiend and he won’t stop until the booze is gone. Unlike the Happy Lightweight, he is your go-to buddy for that day-long bar crawl. Dollar pitchers and well drinks at your local watering hole? No problem. Just don’t try to understand a word he says after 5 p.m. He probably chain smokes and eats the filthy bar pretzels but he knows what he’s doing. If his eyes are closed, he’s merely resting them. You have never heard of anyone but him catching a third wind but you won’t question his judgment. Overall a good dude to have with you anytime.

The Father Figure

He’s another beer drinker but loves a quality well drink from time to time. When shit hits the fan, your friend group turns to him for leadership. You can usually count on him to pick up the tab but he’s not going to be happy about it. Despite “pacing himself,” he ends up getting belligerently drunk on a weekly basis and is continuously chastised for it. He justifies his actions with a classic “Do as I say, not as I do.” His demeanor is usually calm but has a dangerous temper when provoked. He boasts about “ending the fights and not starting them,” which is false (see previous line).

After reading this you probably have some friends in mind. If not, you probably voted for Hillary and only drink IPAs.

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