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Move-In Day Mishap: Fish Out Of Water

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We ran with his limp body in our arms like we were in war. After finally making it back to our dorm, I could see everyone out in the hallway watching us struggle to get Fish in the room. I opened the door and immediately ripped his mattress off the top bunk and put it on the ground. We tossed his body on the mattress and he bounced off, crushing his face on the tile floor. Just then we heard someone banging on our door.

Six hours earlier…

“I really don’t like you guys drinking in the room,” Dan said in his annoying, nasally voice. “I don’t want to start off on the wrong foot, but we need to follow ALL of the rules the RA said before we get in trouble. His room is right next to ours and I am NOT getting in trouble my first night of college.”

We ignored our new roommate’s insensitive request. Nothing was going to hold us back from enjoying every second we had from now until graduation. We had our first ever frat party to prepare for and I was too focused on the lukewarm Jim Beam running down my throat than the complaints of some kid I just met.

Our cramped freshman dorm room consisted of myself, the random roommate Dan, and my hometown buddy Eric, but everyone called him Fish. Fish and I were desperate to party like the kids in every college movie, so we bought a handle of cheap whiskey from our friend’s older brother and immediately went to work drinking as much as we could before we left for the party.

We met Fish’s old hockey buddy Ray outside of his fraternity house. He brought us into the house and it looked like the party had already finished. Beer and dip cans were everywhere. Our shoes were sticking to the floor and the walls looked slimy to the touch. The house smelled like a redemption center inside of a dispensary inside of a hookah lounge. He brought us to his room and lined up some shots while we waited for people to show up. Ray was the president of his fraternity and we didn’t want to look like freshman pussies in front of him so we took shot after shot after shot trying to keep up with this seasoned alcoholic. Fish looked at me like this would be the last time we would see each other. He was kind of right.

The house was suddenly full of people. Every room had something different going on in it. One was a dance floor, another was for beer pong, and another for flip cup. One had beers, another had liquor, and one was specifically for drugs. As I made my way from room to room, I realized Fish was gone. I checked like four rooms until I called it quits. At this point it was 12:30 and I figured he either went home with a girl or made it back to the dorm, so I left to go back to my room.

When I got there the only person in the room was Dan, sitting with his legs crisscrossed on his bed watching anime and eating Chef Boyardee. I was kind of relieved that I didn’t bring a girl back to witness this upsetting display and asked him if Fish ever showed up. He said no so I tried calling his phone. It went straight to voicemail. At this point I was a little concerned so I decided to go back to the party to look for him one last time.

Before I even got into the house, I saw Ray outside with some of his brothers. I walked up to him to say what’s up but as soon as he looked in my direction he started laughing.

“You’re the kid that’s friends with Fish, right?” he said chuckling.

“Yeah, I went back to my dorm to look for his drunk ass. Where is he?”

Ray turned and said, “Follow me” as he walked towards the house with five other brothers. At this point I realized something was wrong.

Ray brought me to a room on the bottom floor. Fish was there sitting in a chair with his eyes closed, puking into a trashcan with the help of two girls. One girl was holding the bucket while the other aimed his head like he was a flowing firehose.

“You need to get this kid back to your dorm. You think he’ll be alright?” Ray asked, kind of but not really concerned.

“Yeah I’ve seen him worse, but can someone help me carry him to the third floor of my dorm?” I didn’t really need help carrying Fish’s 135 pound frame but I didn’t want to run the risk of him chunking on me, so I grabbed his feet and one of Ray’s friends grabbed his neck.

We ran with him through the front yard of the house, dropping him occasionally. He was soaked in sweat and very slippery. As we approached the third floor of my dorm building, I realized we were in the west wing and we lived in the east wing. We ran down the hallway hoping no one would see us.

Just then a girl came out of her room. She asked us what happened and we told her our friend drank a little too much and we were bringing him home. She looked at us, laughed, and said, “I can help you guys with that.” She then started banging on everyone’s door, screaming, “Wake up! Wake up!”

“Fuck, she’s an RA,” the kid helping me yelled. “RUN!”

We ran with his limp body in our arms like we were in war. After finally making it back to our dorm, I could see everyone out in the hallway watching us struggle to get Fish in the room. I opened the door and immediately ripped his mattress off the top bunk and put it on the ground. We tossed his body on the mattress and he bounced off, crushing his face on the tile floor. Just then we heard someone banging on our door.

The kid ran out of my dorm room and I slammed the door shut behind him, hoping whoever was knocking would just go back to bed. Dan immediately started freaking out.

“Oh God no! Is Eric going to die? Should I call an ambulance? I’m going to get in so much trouble. Why is he so sweaty? What did you do!? Oh God, oh God, oh God!”

“Calm the fuck down, Dan,” I said heatedly. “I’ve seen him way worse than this in high school. All he needs is a yellow Gatorade and some bread and he’ll be fine. Just relax.”

Another loud, more aggressive knock slammed on our door. It was our RA and the lady RA that was banging on the doors in the west wing. I opened it and immediately Dan yelled, “I didn’t do anything I swear! They went to a frat party and came back like this!”

The RAs looked at me and said that the police and ambulance were on their way. I looked behind them and could see everyone on my floor huddled around my door. This may have been a bigger problem than I thought.

When the cops arrived, they asked me where I was that night. I said I didn’t remember. He asked me what frat house I went to and I told him I didn’t know. He asked me how drunk I was and I said, “Not at all,” but immediately started laughing after. I handled it like a pro. He told me I wasn’t going to get in any trouble but that Fish was going to be on probation when he gets back from the hospital. I didn’t question him and went back in my room to try and wake Fish up. I tried slapping him, pouring water on him, everything, but he just kept groaning.

When the ambulance arrived, they checked his pockets and asked me if he did any drugs. I told them he didn’t. They kept searching his pockets and found his tin. They opened it up and it was completely empty. The ambulance people explained that he probably tried to pack a lip when he was drunk and swallowed it accidentally. I remember him having a full can of chew before we went into the party so he must have tried to pack the whole thing and accidentally swallowed it. They strapped him up to the stretcher and took him away.

The next morning at 7 a.m. Fish busted down our door. He looked better than ever and said that the hospital had to pump his stomach and called his parents. Apparently he swallowed an entire can of dip and only had around seven drinks. The doctors said he had a nicotine overdose and passed out from the buzz. Believe it or not, the crazy bastard went to the gas station that same day to buy a can.

To this day, he claims he would’ve been fine if I had just gotten him a yellow Gatorade and some bread.

Image via Shutterstock

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