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‘Mother!’ Is The Most Pretentious Movie In The History Of Pretentious Movies

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mother! movie pretentious

I’ve seen It three times already because I’m an obsessive movie nerd with no life (and also because I have to compile all my anti-clown research). Before each viewing, I saw a trailer for a flick simply titled Mother!. The trailer was bizarre and confusing, and plot details were pretty much non-existent. Needless to say, I was intrigued.

On top of all that, I saw that it was penned and filmed by Darren Aronofsky, a weird-ass, psychotic director of whom I consider myself a fan. He made the deeply disturbing and powerful Requiem For A Dream, an uncomfortable tour through the minds of shattered junkies, as well as Black Swan, a dope psychological horror show that’s most famously known for the Mila Kunis/Natalie Portman sex scene to which you’ve definitely shucked your corn. His 2014 film Noah was great, too; Russell Crowe plays a man who has to build an ark and bring along two of every animal to survive an apocalyptic flood that God warned him about. The movie was so iconic that the Bible itself was caught stealing ideas from it.

So based on the mysterious advertising, the relatively positive word of mouth, and the man behind the camera, I definitely wanted to see the movie. So I did. And I have no idea what the fuck I just witnessed. The film relies on you going into it not knowing anything, so I won’t give up any spoilers. But, to sum it up vaguely, it’s one giant metaphor; from what I gathered, a Biblical one. It’s confusing for a long time, but by the end you kiiiiinda get it?

This movie was the pretentious thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I went to an arts high school, so that’s saying something.

This movie was so pretentious that I thought it was gonna wear a flannel shirt and take its Tinder date to a record store. This movie is so pretentious that I thought it was gonna randomly bring up 9/11 conspiracy theories at a party and bring the mood down. Picture the most pretentious, artsy fartsy douchebag you know. A cut-off denim button-down, big glasses that he doesn’t need from a prescription standpoint, and chukka boots. He goes to indie coffeehouses with his laptop and writes short stories about depressed lesbians visiting Europe. He constantly tweets about how he hates “privilege” even though his parents pay his rent. Imagine that guy. Now imagine him in movie form. That’s Mother!.

This movie isn’t for people who want to be entertained, scared, distracted, etc. This movie is for condescending douchebags who wanna jerk off to how smart and deep they think they are. If you’ve ever said, “It sounds better on vinyl,” then you’ll love this movie.

Just because a movie is intentionally weird and confusing doesn’t automatically mean its deep. It’s okay for a movie to be a metaphor, but the metaphor needs to have a plot attached to it; it can’t JUST be a metaphor. This movie is worth seeing just so you can get angry at it.

After much deliberation over themes of religion, nature, and humanity, I realized that this movie is just a metaphor for pretentious movies.

Image via YouTube

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Wally Bryton

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