You see these people nearly every day scattered about campus. Wherever large groups form, these picketed faithful spew their radical beliefs, hoping someone will hear and suddenly think to themselves “Wow, I was wrong all along, these guys are brilliant!” Unfortunately for them, this has never once happened and college students who hear their mindless garbage dismiss it to a level less than a boozed up opposing fan on gameday.
“The Holocaust was a lie!” “9/11 was a government cover up!” and “Hare Krishna” are just a few of these GDIs’ go-to mantras that plague our campuses, and make us individually wish for an “Assholes can’t ever use it” clause to the first amendment.
These vibrant characters generally only attempt to interrupt our fraternal lifestyles in the daytime, by shouting and distributing pamphlets like the apocalypse is coming tomorrow (and in some cases, they actually believe it). But fear not, as always I’m here with a few tips to help you overcome their radically annoying ways.
My first option is the always-useful drive by insult. This plan works most effectively when the protesters in question are talking shit about America, in which case their value as human beings is reduced to less than dog shit under my boot. A triumphant “Get a life,” “Eat Shit,” or, my personal favorite, “Fuck you,” are guaranteed to get the message across. 9/11 was a hoax? Well you’re fucking worthless, go find something better to do at 2pm on a Tuesday.
Another option is the old bait and switch for some up close and personal fun. Simply approach the annoying douchebaits and accept a pamphlet, and begin listening to the mindless droll they’ve filled the streets with. A few minutes in, when you can’t stand the absurdity any longer, throw your pamphlet to the ground and proceed with the aforementioned insults.
The ability to form your own opinions is one of the greatest freedoms of this country. But these people take it a little too far, some even dragging their children, who couldn’t possibly know any better, into the hate-speech. To put a modern spin on the classic Voltaire quote, “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it…Unless you’re talking shit about America, then I’ll most likely curb-stomp you.”