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My friends, as we all know the cross-country GDI epidemic is reaching near unsustainable levels. In the weeks to come, I will be pointing out the worst breeds under the non-exclusive banner of Gamma Delta Iota, and where better to start than the hygiene lacking, band shirt wearing, eyeliner embracing hipster.
The far-from-elusive hipster can most commonly be found near sketchy dive bars, in the library, or discussing his 1000-level philosophy course in your local Starbucks (loud enough for everyone to hear of course). While we as fraternal men embrace cleanliness and clothes that represent success and confidence, this sweaty socialite ventures instead into the “unwashed capris” region of style, purely to appear ironic. The hipster typically scours the internet for the obscure ideas of others, and then passes them off as his own. If anyone disagrees, they are disregarded as being “too mainstream,” whatever the fuck that means.
While we, being the obvious superiors in this situation, very rarely come in direct contact with the hipster breed, there are a few key steps one can take when they find themselves surrounded.
If these ska-dancing losers put down their bong long enough to taint your bar of choice with their presence, the fix is simple. Hopefully, your bar allows some control of the music via requests or jukebox, as this is our get-hipsters-out-free card. Simply line up a few Hank Williams Jr. songs, and by the time “If the South Would’ve Won” comes on, the hipsters will be out of there faster than they can say “it’s pretty obscure, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
Hipsters on campus are an entirely different challenge. While we may have massive amounts of power in our respective student governments, we haven’t quite reached the point where we can police who walks on campus, much to our chagrin. This means on your occasional walks to class, you may very well be crossed by the dreaded hipster. I’ve seen them walking, biking, and even riding a Razor scooter in my personal exploits. While I admit, my own Razor scooter was pretty badass back in the day, but I managed to realize at age 10 how pathetic a mode of transportation it was. “Accidentally” jutting out your shoulder, or dropping a stick in their path comes to mind as a possible solution when these hipsters breach your comfort zone with their pungent aura.
While I would never condone trashing every GDI you see (they aren’t worth the time of day) sometimes the hipster crosses the boundary and needs to be put in line. Yes, I may seem like a conformist to you; yes, a lot of people like the same bands as me; and yes, my clothes are bright and my shorts are short. But at the end of the day, I’m pulling slams while you, you sad pitiful hipster, are jerking off to a new band you found on Grooveshark.