Just when you think you’re bound for an incident-free saunter to the classroom, this detestable breed of GDI comes flying in on his longboard, fiercely cutting into your direct path of motion and making you stumble in the process. Before you even have time to react, or even pipe in a “Fuck you,” the skater is long gone. My Chemical Romance t-shirt, skinny jeans, and all.
If the previous scenario sounds familiar, it’s because that’s exactly what’s happening literally every day on college campuses nationwide. Somewhere in these feeble skater’s minds they have decided that their glorified planks with wheels are acceptable for use after maturing past the tender age of 11. I’m sorry, but unless you’re getting paid for it (you talentless fucks), any type of “skating” is not an acceptable action for a young adult. And even those that do get paid for it are all mediocre-at-best human beings, as watching any 4 seconds of the X-games will plainly show.
It wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to share a sidewalk with these vermin, I admit. I openly despise bicyclists, for example, but at least they have their own lane and don’t have to fuck my day up via collision. And at least most cyclists dress appropriately (read: like a flaming homosexual) for their commute. Skaters instead choose to either dress exceptionally baggy, lost in a sea of Volcolm, or with a combination of uncomfortably tight sperm killing “threads.”
I admit, I was always a little jealous of people who had skateboards growing up. And then I turned 12.
Now, I know I’m being pretty specific with the “Skater” thing, but I feel like any unconventional means of transportation on campus can fall into this category. I’m talking to you, kid who rides a Razor Scooter to class. Not only are those scooters a horribly inefficient means to get from A to B, they literally aren’t big enough for a grown person to operate. If “wheelie bar” is a possible addition to your on-campus vehicle of choice, then maybe you need to put down the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles comic book and come back from 1996.
I know this may be hard to believe, but there are actually Greeks among us who choose these miserable forms of transportation for their own. I’m here to tell them plainly: stop. I don’t care if it’s a skateboard, a longboard, or a God damn two-by-four with shopping cart wheels glued to the bottom, just fucking walk. It’s usually pretty difficult to take someone seriously when they walk around inside carrying an obnoxious board adorned with flames or lizards or some other pitiful graphic-tee-esque collage. If we really are the “leaders of tomorrow” it’s about time we started acting like it.