WARNING If you are easily offended by shameless trashing of a sociopathic now deceased dictator, read no further. I’m all for respecting the dead, but this evil little munchkin was so batshit crazy he doesn’t deserve that common courtesy. So without further ado, here is why Kim Jong-Shamalamadingdong, even in death, is by far the most hated GDI of the week.
He Was a Shitty Cheater
Okay, so everyone drops a stroke or two off their golf score every once in awhile. Sometimes you’re too drunk and forget, other times you’re too drunk and just feel like fucking lying. It happens. But our North Korean tyrant friend here crossed the “maybe he really shot that” line and made the ridiculous claim that he scored a 38 on a full 18 holes. His scorecard showed 11 holes in one. Yes, fucking 11. And did I mention this was allegedly his first time golfing in his life? Oh yeah, that’s real important too. Let me tell you how it really went down. Kim Jong spent 30 minutes on the driving range and played so incredibly badly he killed every employee on the course and their entire families, and then turned his record breaking scorecard into “The North Korean Journal” the next morning. The North Koreans might have believed that crock of shit, but over here in the land of opportunity you aren’t fooling anyone.
He Drinks Hennessey
A fucking lot of Hennessey…as in he was the single largest buyer in the world. An estimated 750,000 dollars worth a year. Just to put that into perspective, an aspiring fraternity man could snag 10,000 bottles of Jameson, book Luke Bryan for a band party, buy a brand new Tahoe, and still have enough left over to have front row football tickets for the rest of his life. But I digress. When was the last time you snagged a case full of Henny to supply a Friday night rager at the Frat Castle? Unless your chapter is somehow located in Compton I’m going to guess never. Hennessey has been referenced in plenty of popular songs throughout the years. Unfortunately they’re almost all by people I have zero desire to associate with. Yes, I’m talking about rappers. I’m not exactly sure why old KJ is so obsessed with this overpriced and unappealing cognac but this association stamps him straight in his now-decaying forehead as an eternal GDI.
Now I know (Yao Ming aside) people of Asian descent aren’t exactly well known for their height, but this fucker takes it to a new low. Standing at a far-from-menacing 5’3″ KJ is far below the “get the fuck out of my house during rush” height limit. This Oompa Loompa dictator couldn’t even get on a roller coaster. To make up for his shortcomings he wears an obnoxious pair of platform elevator shoes that would make Elton John cringe. If that doesn’t scream “NF” I don’t know what does.
Oh Yeah…He Was Also a Fucking Maniac
Kim Jong has not only created a miserable country intent on world domination, he demoralized, killed, and over sheltered the people he allegedly cared so much for throughout his miserable little life. He stripped his oldest son of the heir to the throne, just because he tried to sneak out of the country to take his 4-year-old son to Disneyland in Tokyo. God forbid a little kid gets to puke after riding the Japanese version of “Dumbo” one too many times. He forced state-mandated textbooks to explain that the “dear leader” had no need to urinate or take a dump. He shipped a large quantity of short people (besides himself obviously) to an uninhabited series of islands to try to eliminate bad genes. I’m all for selective breeding, but I plan on doing it the natural way: marrying a tall, hot blonde model to ensure my kids have the largest genetic advantage possible. Banishing actual citizens of the country you claim to love so much is another thing entirely.
I hope this shed a little light on why Kim Jong-Il was such a notorious douchefuck (as if you didn’t know already), and why he truly deserves to rot in that rat infested North Korean grave. My only regret is that it wasn’t a team of Navy Seals delivering a 5.56 round right between his beady little mutant eyes that sent that fucker where he belonged. Rot in hell, you sick son of a bitch.