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Mizzou Cuts 50 Jobs, Closes 2 More Dorms As Post-Protest Apocalypse Sets In

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Sooner rather than later, there are going to be more tumbleweeds than students at Mizzou.

It looks like the University of Missouri is going to undergo some cutbacks next year in response to a sizable drop in enrollment. On Tuesday, Mizzou announced 50 jobs would need to be sacrificed in order to save money.

From The Columbia Tribune:

Landscaping operations will be cut back so sidewalk edges are trimmed no more than twice a year and only in the most visible locations, [Vice Chancellor Gary Ward] wrote. After Saturday football games, the debris left by tailgaters will not be picked up until Monday, he wrote.

Custodial staff no longer will clean or remove trash or recyclables from offices, Ward wrote.

The plan to save $5.47 million in the MU Operations division that employs 842 people exempts the MU Police Department and MU Environmental Health and Safety. Ward warned it likely means slower response time for maintenance issues, less overtime and slower snow removal.

In the email, Ward warned that ‘we will be unable to sustain the level of service for which you have become accustomed. I do not anticipate that changes beginning July 1, 2016, will inhibit the academic mission at Mizzou, nor is it my intention for that to ever happen.’

Yeah, take that you racist janitorial douchebags! That’ll teach you to clean up our poop swastikas!

The announcement of these cutbacks comes just a few days after another round of big news at the university — the closure of two more dorms. Next year, Respect or Excellence Residence Halls will no longer house students. You read that right, Mizzou has lost Respect and Excellence. Shocker.

Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock had quite the hot take on this one:

Once Jason starts tweeting #FratLivesMatter I’ll know for sure that I’m in a parallel universe and this is all just one big joke. I’m still about 70 percent sure I’m just on a bad acid trip.

The closure of these two dorms adds to the closure of two others announced in March. Laws Hall and Lathrop Hall, the closest dorms to Greektown and favorites of freshmen sorority girls, were both scheduled to be demolished next year but the demo date got moved up months earlier since, ya know, no one goes to this school anymore — not even fellow cocaine connoisseur Maty Mauk.

When it rains, it pours.

I know what you’re saying: “Whoa whoa whoa! Mizzou is a complete dumpster fire right now because it’s the poster child for overly sensitive and politically correct college students? Who could’ve seen that coming during the protests last October?!”

It’s hard to believe but it’s true. These are the knowledge bombs you’ll have to accept.

Can someone reach out to #ConcernedStudent1950 and see if they’ll demand high schoolers to go to Mizzou? K thx.

[via The Columbia Tribune]

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El Taco

Either a war hero or war criminal depending on how you look at it

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