======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Often, these days, as I watch, say, Mizzou set a school record for yardage and first downs and still somehow lose by 26 to Tennessee, I sip straight from the by then nearly empty bottle of Rumple Minze I require the complete consumption of to mentally process something like that and wonder, “Was I really ever at the Cotton Bowl? Did I actually once travel to Atlanta to see Missouri play in an SEC championship game?” They seem like memories from another lifetime. Random bits of a nice dream that quickly dissipated as I woke one morning. Eventually my thoughts turn to basketball, and I ask myself, “Did DeMarre Carroll and Jordan Clarkson actually ever wear black and gold?” Then all of the sudden the Norfolk State game jumps into my mind, everything goes black, and I wake up in jail, bleeding and crying, my naked body covered in vomit. Every time.
And finally by the time I’m released I get home to find out that the freshman running back who rushed for 200+ yards against Tennessee gets busted smoking weed in a parking lot at 5:00 a.m. the morning after the game, and shit like what I’m about to quote goes down, and I realize that, yeah, probably none of what I think I remember ever actually happened. Except Norfolk State. That one’s real.
From the Kansas City Star:
According to a statement from the athletics department, “The University of Missouri has received allegations of potential academic rules violations by a former tutor in the Athletics Academic Services area.
The statement did not mention any specific programs or the scope of the alleged academic misconduct, but former tutor Yolanda Kumar detailed some of the potential academic fraud in a post on her private Facebook account Tuesday afternoon.
When reached by The Star, Kumar confirmed the authenticity of the post, in which she alleges that she took or assisted with entrance exams and completed classes for student-athletes.
Are there any competent adults at this school anymore? At this point I don’t even wonder if Mizzou’s administrators are capable of running the university. I just worry that they’ll accidentally wander onto I-70 and die in traffic.
And to the athletes: Jesus Christ. I could not care less that you’re cheating on your schoolwork. Truly, I don’t care. We’ve pretty much all done that. I absolutely have, and so have most of my friends. A sizable percentage of everyone’s college classes are worthless anyway. (To this day I want a refund from Mizzou for forcing me to take geology.) And that’s to say nothing of the classes the circle-jerking, low-level try-hards from the athletic department who apparently think they work for Alabama football or UNC basketball told most of you to enroll in. But if you’re going to so lazily, blatantly cheat on your Hotel and Restaurant Management homework at least have the decency to threaten a postseason run. I will literally write a paper for every member of the basketball team if they make the NCAA tournament this year. I swear to God. I can’t afford to be a booster but I’ll help where I can. Email me.
But most of all, to this tutor, Yolanda Kumar: you SSSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
Here’s the text of her Facebook post, in which she details her grievous (in her mind, seriously) crimes. (Emphasis mine.)
I have knowingly participated in academic dishonesty in my position as a tutor at the University of Missouri-Columbia Intercollegiate Athletic department, which is not limited to assistance with assignments. I have taken and assisted with entrance assessment, completed entire courses, and I been present to provide assistance with online assessments. It was encouraged, promoted, and supported by at least two Academic Coordinators for athletes in revenue generating sports, however, the wide spread desperation to succeed by other student-athletes at the bottom of an inverted pyramid of the organization’s construct cross (sic) multiple sports. I self-reported on November 2 and naively wanted to close the door on the manner after seeking counsel. I immediately resigned from my position on November 7 prior to meeting with a member for compliance, general counsel, and an individual that reports to the chancellor.
You are able to see this post because I respect and honor your thoughts of me. I wanted you to hear it from me first. I apologize for disappointing you.
I just can’t carry this burden anymore.
Burden? BURDEN? What burden? Dishonestly helping athletes (sort of) succeed by doing their homework for them!?! You aren’t Tonya Harding’s husband. You didn’t give these athletes an unfair advantage by shattering Josh Dobbs’ legs with a pipe. No one got hurt in any tangible way here that I can tell. Obviously academic dishonesty to the level that you’re taking full tests and classes for these kids is not good. I don’t deny that. It’s pretty sad that people from the athletic department (or some department working with athletics) asked you to do this. These kids should be responsible for completing their own work in one way or another, no matter how absurdly difficult it is to balance being a college athlete and a college student. But I’m going to need an explanation as to how burning the house down on your way out was the most constructive way to remedy this deeply disturbing issue. It’s mind blowing (or maybe it just makes me want to blow my brains out) how many people consider “post it to social media” a real solution.
Kumar had already reported everything to multiple officials. Presumably some sort of investigation was underway. Granted, as I said above, Mizzou administrators have, as of late, not presented much evidence that they’d be competent enough to blind and kill this beagle, but still, even a well run school would, I imagine, need more than half a month to complete an investigation into something this serious. (Serious in the minds of the NCAA and good, salt of the earth, hard workin’ ‘Mericans, anyway.). So why the big Facebook post?
It seems like Kumar already took every single reasonable, correct step someone should take in this situation, were they truly upset by it and seeking to rectify it. You could posit that she didn’t understand the gravity of this situation, but the way she talks about the athletic department in her Facebook post pretty clearly demonstrates that isn’t true. She knows how college sports work.
I guess she wanted to get out ahead and control the narrative in case this went public and her name was released. She definitely did that. She broke the whole damn story. Except also she already got out in front of it by reporting all of the academic wrongdoing. She did all the right things already. She had essentially absolved herself by coming forward through the proper channels. People would have more or less known the same details her Facebook post laid out had this story ever gone public by some other means, based on the actions she had already taken. Everything that Facebook post “accomplished” was actually already accomplished. So, again, why the big Facebook post?
It’s social media, so the simplest answer, as always, is for attention. “Look how noble and also victimized I am, you guys.” Never underestimate the thirst for likez. That’s more cynical than I ever like to be, but it’s real.
There was no need for this to come out. Maybe ever. And considering how fucked up the NCAA is in general, it’s not that big of a deal. This revelation is self-serving nonsense.
Whatever. I’m going to hit the liquor store, grab a new bottle of Rumple Minze, $1000 from the ATM for bail money (just in case), and watch old Chase Daniel highlights. At least we still have Jon Hamm’s giant dick, you guys. Though now I’m anxiously awaiting the inevitable “Jon Hamm caught taping zucchini to inner thigh, real penis size of child’s thumb” story. #MIZ..
[via The KC Star]
Image via Shutterstock