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Missing Afghan Soldiers Visited An American Strip Club Before Trying To Enter Canada

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America the beautiful. It’s the land of the free and the home of the world’s best titties.

I have never been to Afghanistan. I don’t really have an urge to go, either. However, from what I can gather, it’s quite a sandy, mountainous hellhole. It should be of no surprise that several Afghan Army officers who are in the United States for training would be interested in finding any way possible to not return to their war-torn nation.

The three men disappeared from Joint Base Cape Cod in Massachusetts while participating in a joint training exercise with soldiers from the United States and several other nations. They were captured several days later as they attempted to cross the border into Canada, yet officials were still in the dark as to what they were up to while on the run.

Taking full advantage of American daddy issues, the men spent some time experiencing one of this country’s finest treasures: a strip club.

From Boston Globe:

On Monday, after the soldiers were detained at the Canadian border, Halpern said his phone starting ringing off the hook. A DJ and two dancers said the men had been at Zachary’s Pub on Friday night. Halpern alerted Mashpee police Chief Rodney Collins, who confirmed the report to the Globe.

“I assume they were looking at naked women, but that’s pure speculation,” Collins said.

That is the type of in-depth analysis this nation’s police forces desperately lack. Solid work, Chief.

With an average of 2.5 stars on Yelp, Zachary’s appears to be your run-of-the-mill strip club. If anything, the men gazed at a few pairs of stunning, American bolt-ons and a plethora of shitty tattoos, but that’s more than most men in their nation can claim.

Go back and tell your boys what you saw here in the States, soldiers. Freedom is the tits.

[via Boston Globe]

Image via Fox News

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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