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Middle School Kids Suspended For Snorting Smarties Like Cocaine

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Hopefully none of you morons have knocked up anyone lately. In fact, for the sake of this country’s future, I pray that all of you are still childless. If you have, however, you can embrace the joys of awaiting the day your precious, does-nothing-wrong little angel starts snorting Smarties on his or her school campus. Yes, I said Smarties, as in the shitty compacted powder you were given for good behavior, or whichever mundane superlative your depressed teacher felt like doling upon your ass.

A few little badasses in New Mexico were suspended from Marshall Middle School after school officials claim they found them snorting crushed Smarties while on the school’s campus. For some illogical reason, the higher-up dipshits in the school district classify Smarties as a drug, and they are trying to screw these kids over.

From KRQE:

In a letter obtained by KRQE News 13, the district classifies Smarties as drugs and explains students can be suspended or even expelled by possessing them.

“I was in shock. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I didn’t know anyone could do anything like that with a Smartie,” said Kelly Cook.

Kelly Cook is Andrew Stonelake’s mom. Stonelake, 13, is a 7th grader at Marshall Middle School in Clovis. He’s one of the boy’s being punished for inhaling the candy, but Cook says her son’s side of the story is very different.

“He explained there was no inhaling or snorting of any kind. That they were crushing it up and blowing smoke out at each other. That they were horse playing,” said Cook.

Just another he said, she said situation. I’m going to believe that they were, in fact, snorting the Smarties, because that’s pretty middle school frat.

Is this the new thing among kids? Snorting Smarties is the newest stupid trend? It doesn’t sound very safe or like something I’d encourage, but neither is the real shit, so I guess they’re picking the lesser of the poisons. If anything, these parents should be thrilled that their kids aren’t the fucks who filmed themselves snorting condoms when that idiotic fad was still active among social media.

As a result of their “illegal activities,” the school district suspended all three boys involved for 10 days.

[via KRQE]

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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