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To steal dildos? No, sadly not. Although that won’t stop me from imagining a John Dillinger looking man standing in Passions with a gun and shouting in a stereotypical 1930’s voice, “I want all your dildos, see. Everything ya got. Even the dildos that are off the books. Put ’em all in the bag.” Then the dildo robber leans into the cashier, slyly hands her a pocket vibrator and whispers, “Nah, this one’s for you, doll face,” and with a wink he’s gone.
In reality the suspect in question burst into the Passions Video store in Boonville, Missouri and
jacked made off with less than $200 in cash. Police reported that the suspect wore a grey hoodie and was carrying a semi-automatic handgun. The report also stated that the man pointed the gun in the face of the Passions Video cashier, which was reportedly the third worst thing that anyone had put in her face that day.
For those unfamiliar with the Mid-Missouri area, this story isn’t any more surprising than a sunrise in the morning or a Carly Rae Jepsen song blaring while I’m having “me time” in the shower. It’s likely meth was involved, and by “likely” I mean meth was involved. Considering how much meth is in that area (meth crystals hang from the ceilings of double wides like stalactites in a cave) there’s no way this guy wasn’t fixin’ for a tweak. Clearly this perp couldn’t afford anymore antifreeze or cough syrup to cook up his secret family meth recipe and needed to make a withdrawal at the First Bank of Spank.
Really this guy is lucky he wasn’t subdued by one of the legion of truckers who stop into Passions to get quick jerk and a hot dog at the nearby gas station. If he had been then the suspect would be currently locked in the basement of Passions, being systematically broken down mentally until he finally submitted to being the sex shop’s newest gimp. Fortunately for him he got away, and now he can pay his tithe to the local meth lord, who lives on the banks of the Missouri River in an exact replica of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude, except it’s made entirely out of meth… and there’s a truck parked on the lawn.
Mid-MO at its finest.
[h/t to reader Matt Moreno]
- [via KOMU]