Columns

That Foxy Minx Merriam Webster Needs To Get Her Act Together And Add These Words To Her Dictionary

dictionary words merriam-webster

Mrs. Merriam Webster (she’s a mrs. because you best fucking believe she’s married to the game (yes, I know Merriam-Webster is not a woman nor even a person; don’t @ me)) has been slinging all sorts of words to the masses for a long time now. And as the thick AF pusha of all the lingo we be spittin’ up in this piece known affectionately as the US, she has the obligation to keep our lexicon moving all nimbly-bimbly-like with the times.

Every year, Merriam adds a shit ton of words to that bodacious tome of hers. Of course, they’re usually bullshit millennial words like selfie or twerk or listicle. Not to start any beef with the old gal, but sometimes she can be out of touch with what the players in these streets really be speaking on.

But I still have faith in MW’s ability to touch the youths in this country, which is why I included a few ideas to get her started on her comeback tour.

Gronk

Now this is the Swiss army knife of words. A word for all seasons, if you will. It can be used as a noun or a verb or an adjective or an interjection. Much like Rob Gronkowski himself, it’s a word that roundhouse kicks you in the taint with its boldness and intensity.

Sample sentence

Gronk! I gronked out with all my gronks last night, but it was one hell of a gronk time.

Moob

Some words are used to highlight the sunny side of humanity, while others unfortunately have the responsibility of pointing out serious flaws or atrocities in our society. Moob is of latter variety. Commonly referred to as manboobs by the scientific community, moobs are no laughing matter. But the only way to legitimize them as a serious affliction is to, at the very least, include the word in that next MW edition. Hopefully then the Mayo Clinic will take note of this issue.

Sample sentence

If you or a loved one have been diagnosed with moobs, you may be entitled to financial compensation.

Geed

I don’t care if you’re in Greek life or not; calling someone a geed is satisfying as fuck. Sure, the word geed is generally used to publicly shame all the God Damn Independents out there, but it can also be used as a replacement for words like noob or square to really cut to the heart of someone’s unrelenting betaness. Gotta have this word in the new edition.

Sample sentence

Johnny was being a real geed today, so I stole his lunch money and stuffed him into a locker.

Rawdog

I don’t know why, but this word immediately takes me back to the ‘80s, when you could actually get your citizenship revoked if you weren’t partying your balls off, snorting copious amounts of cocaine, or having reckless sexual encounters. Needless to say, pretty much everyone was rawdogging it.

In the clusterfuck of a climate in which we’re living right now, sometimes it’s nice to dwell on the simpler times.

Sample sentence

It’s the perfect night to chug some boxed wine and rawdog some randoms.

Splooge

Splooge is the mischievous, curly-haired younger brother of “cum” and “orgasm.” While cum and orgasm are droning on and on about their 401ks and second mortgages, splooge is slurring out come-ons to cocktail waitresses and lighting off firecrackers in shopping centers.

Nothing adds some much-needed whimsy to a sentence quite like splooge.

Sample sentence

When I read that sentence, I damn near splooged in my pants.

Tomfuckery

If tomfoolery is when you and a couple buddies get the cops called on you for partying too loud, tomfuckery is when you go at said cops with your fists a’swinging, get your nutsack tased and your ass tossed in jail.

If you want to aptly explain how your life got flipped — turned upside down — you’re gonna want a word like tomfuckery in your arsenal.

Sample sentence

Tommy: I was rawdogging this chick and, like a total geed — with my moobs swinging every which way — I splooged before pulling out and now she’s telling me she’s pregnant with a couple of gronks.

Timmy: Sounds like a whole lot of tomfuckery to me.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

6 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More