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Meeting Minutes From The Worst Fraternity On Greek Row

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meeting 2

President

-Turns out the guy from “Nationals” who’s been calling me is a scammer.
-We should be nervous. Gave him a lot of info on the phone.
-Actual nationals is pissed over the “trough incident.”
-Other houses don’t take us seriously.
-Got laughed out of last IFC meeting. Not going back.

Vice President

-I still haven’t done anything this year.
-No further announcements.

Treasurer

-I have attached a list of phone numbers to ignore. Those are all the IRS.
-Dues are going up. Turns out they have been unsustainably low for years.
-Ran up $1,300 on the house card preparing for last week’s party.
-Had to open new credit card to pay off house card.
-Had to get payday loans to pay off new credit card.
-Our credit score is 260.
-We might owe damages from “trough incident.”
-Pay your fucking dues.

Secretary

-I fell asleep and missed most of VP’s announcements. Will talk to him after.

Pledge Trainer

-2 more pledges dropped, cited “You guys are fucking lame” as their reasoning.
-Three pledges remained. Discovered one of them was in high school.
-One pledge was seen showing a girl his Magic: The Gathering collection. Will speak to him about that.

Philanthropy Chair

-Threw event last week during our “Ranch Week” celebration.
-As you know, a sorority girl was thrown into a trough.
-Event died down soon after, many left in disgust.
-We lost $500 on the event.
-The childrens’ hospital has dropped us as a partner.
-Lady on the phone told me to go to hell.

Scholarship Chair

-Finals are coming up. Please study.
-If we remove our bottom 10 members from the records, our GPA increases to 2.2.
-Seriously, guys, I have not seen one of you in the library all semester.
-I will literally give the first person I see there 20 dollars.

Intramural Chair

-We lost to Phi Rho in flag football, 55-6.
-In all fairness, mercy rule should have kicked in at 40.
-Will be appealing to get score changed to 40-6.
-Basketball signups start today.
-Please, please go to the gym or something.

Social Chair

-Have not seen a girl here since trough incident.
-I sincerely apologize for throwing her into a trough of dirty water and apples.
-I was wasted off cider and did not know any better.
-Party on Saturday was a bust. Sororities are actively boycotting us.
-Let’s throw a killer party this Saturday.

House Manager

-What our social chair neglected to mention was all the damage he caused in the house after the trough incident.
-3 holes in the wall, 1 door broken, 1 mirror smashed, 2 composites cracked.
-Our cooling bill has doubled due to windows and doors being broken.
-Water heater damaged. Could have exploded.

Risk Reduction Chair

-Still can’t believe you threw her into a fucking trough.
-No more troughs or any other such receptacles at events.
-Broken glass and splinters still everywhere.
-Water heater has not been fixed. Could catch fire or explode any minute.
-Just heard a noise. Excusing myself to check on that.

Alumni Relations Chair

-Prominent alum came by after our philanthropy event. Was appalled at damage.
-He yelled at me and ripped a $2,000 donation check in half right in my face.
-I cried a lot, so he called his buddies and told them all not to donate as well.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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