McDonald’s Caves, Cuts Burgers From Happy Meal Menu

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At 22 years old, I am only slightly ashamed to admit that I have been putting away McDonald’s cheeseburgers for a couple decades now, and not once did anyone try to stop me (thanks, Mom and Dad). But now that I am an adult that doctors refer to as “overweight” and long past having the will power to avoid the siren call of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, guess who is finally deciding to give a shit about kids’ health?

From Business Insider:

On Thursday, the fast-food giant announced it would be making worldwide changes to cut calories, sodium, saturated fat, and sugar in Happy Meals. The chain is also prioritizing cutting artificial ingredients and adjusting what meals are advertised to children.

Starting in June, the official US Happy Meal menu — as displayed on menu boards — will only feature combinations that are 600 calories or less.

This feels like the absentee father who leaves your life for 20 years then shows up when you have kids and tries to atone for his mistakes through his grandchildren. “Things were different back then, but I swear I’ve changed.” Save it, Ronald. Your words won’t change the fact that I’ve had to spend years working on developing just enough of a personality to overcome the body that you put me in.

Calories, sodium, saturated fat, AND sugar? What ingredients are left? Pretty soon these kids are going to be opening up the magical arches of their Happy Meals only to reveal a piece of kale wrapped in tofu cookies.

While a cheeseburger Happy Meal will be available upon request, cheeseburgers will no long be featured on the menu or in advertising. And, while customers can order a small fries with a four-piece nugget Happy Meal, they will be restricted to a kids-sized fries for the six-piece meal.

Ahhh I see what’s going on here. We’ve got ourselves a wink wink, nudge nudge situation. Yes, we definitely still carry it on the menu, but no we can’t advertise it. This is the ole’ strip club rule. There may not be any signs saying that you can pay an extra hundo in the private room, but we all know what happens if you do.

If this is the move that will appease health nuts, why not just go full send and turn the whole existing menu into a secret off-the-books operation? Most people already know it anyway: Big Mac, Mcnuggs, Quarter Pounder — and who could forget the McChicken? Just remove all of that stuff off of the physical menu and replace it with nuts, leaves, and other non-gluten/non-GMO/nontoxic shit. Keep hustling with the former on the low and you’re gucci.

McDonald’s, you have my permission to use this genius bootleg menu idea. And if you need any more expert PR advice, you know where to find me. Slide in those DMs.

[via Business Insider]

Image via Wikimedia Commons

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Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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