Reporting in the Journal of Communications Research, an international team of top linguists and speech pathologists made the discovery of the century last month while gathered at the College of William and Mary for an interdisciplinary conference on modern language. While examining word conglomerates and the abundance of collegiate colloquialisms, the speech scientists discovered a heretofore undescribed linguistic rule that is being heralded as one of the greatest innovations in modern syntactical verbiage.
Lead linguist Herbert Robson explains the moment the scientific team knew they were on to something big: “Well, we had just gained access to the back storage rooms of the library basement, where the old volumes of previous dictionary editions are kept, heavily guarded under lock and key, of course. Some of those tomes are centuries old, filled with archaic words from the Old English past that really got us quite excited. Flipping through those dust-covered manuscripts was almost erotic in nature, and the smell of the decaying leather bindings and paper musk was intoxicating nearly all of us with its rich scent, overwhelming the senses to the point of intellectual and physical debilitation. We therefore made the prudent decision to step outside for a bit to regain our mental faculties, and halt any unanticipated completions, so to speak.”
It was outside the campus library that they would first encounter what would come to form the basis of the greatest research project of their lives. According to Robson, across the quad, was a young man in Greek letters being apparently harassed by a petite young female, peculiarly donned in an oversized long-sleeve shirt bearing the same insignias.
“The male student was briskly attempting to evade the shouts and incantations of his female partner, avoiding eye contact and formulating no verbal responses to the high-pitched shrieking being directed at his personage. Finally, standing still in apparent exhaustion, the female student made one last invocation in a desperate attempt to garner a rebuttal from her nemesis, declaring that he ‘had a tiny frock and totes never satisfied her anyways.’ Needless to say, we were completely astounded when we heard this,” noted Robson.
The team immediately approached the scorned sorority sister, eagerly asking about the etymology of the completely novel word “frock,” a term the scientists had never before seen in published literature.
“You know, his dick,” extolled the quickly angering young woman. “His wang. His frat cock.”
“That’s when we realized, ‘frock’ was something completely novel — an ingenious synergism between the adjective ‘frat’ and the noun ‘cock.’ Truly mesmerizing,” noted Robson. “It completely threw us off guard. Blew our minds, as the youth might say.”
Back at the lab, the merits of this conglomerate truly began to take shape. By dissecting the word into its two equal parts, the scientists began to grasp the full applicability of the system. That’s when the gravity of the situation really became clear.
“Can you believe our jubilation when we finally comprehended that any word, regardless of the syntax, can instantly be made fratty by simply adding the prefix ‘fr-‘ to the beginning of the word? We were literally trembling with excitement at the implications,” intoned American researcher Brent Bergerman.
Explains Bergerman: “Say you’re wearing your Sperrys, Vineyard Vines button down, and pastel Chubbies shorts, and you want to convey the frat nature of your outfit in a single word. Before, impossible. Now, it’s your ‘frattire.’ Or say you accidentally sent a compromising Snapchat video to a non-affiliate, jeopardizing your chapter. You may have to take responsibility for the full ‘framifications’ of your actions. Or say you want to describe all the character traits you look for in potential members. You need to judge their ‘frattibutes.’ The possibilities really are endless. I mean, what a time to be alive.”
Needless to say, the careers of these scholars and professionals have most certainly reached the apex of their intellectual trajectories, having quite literally transformed the English language as we know it. Already, the Merriam-Webster dictionary is preparing a companion edition to accommodate all of the frat derivations of the written word, and it is only a matter of time before the ever-changing fransformation of the language will be complete..