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In the past, there were no do-overs when it came to dick. You were one and done. You only had one shot, and you couldn’t miss your chance to blow (your load). That’s why I have always been so protective of mine. Have sex with you? And risk losing my wang in some sort of freak accident? No thanks, sister! I don’t care that you’re “really REALLY attracted to me,” either. Go flick your bean in the bathroom and think of me during. I’ll be right here in bed torrenting The Angry Birds Movie when you’re finished.
But those days of having to be super cautious when it comes to your John Stossel are over thanks to the miracle that is science.
Doctors at Massachusetts General Hospital performed the first U.S. penis transplant, they said Monday, calling it a “landmark procedure.”
Thomas Manning, 64, is recovering well after the 15-hour procedure performed by a team of over 50 surgeons, doctors and nurses, this month, according to the hospital. Manning, of Halifax, Massachusetts, had his penis amputated after he was diagnosed with penile cancer in 2012.
How ’bout our boy Tommy Manning!? Dude ditched his stump and can hang dong once more. That has to be the biggest “fuck you!” to cancer of all-time. I’ll leave out all the Kegel-inducing details of exactly how Manning’s new dick was attached, but the procedure is called a GUVCA. Which, of course, stands for the “”Give Us Vagina!” Cock Attachment” (or gentitourinary vascularized composite allograft, in medical terms).
After hearing this news, my… uh… “friend” wants to know how he can get on this transplant list. Does he need to have had cancer or suffered some sort of accident? Because his is just plain small, but he could easily make up some sort of lie if necessary. His kinda already looks like someone just sewed a Vienna sausage onto his groin, so maybe I… I MEAN HE could say he had a botched transplant and needs it corrected?
Any ideas help. Let me know (so I can tell him). Thanks..
Image via Shutterstock