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Maryland Lawmakers And University Presidents Are Trying To Ban Grain Alcohol

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This morning when I woke up and walked to class, all the street signs were in English, I saw a dog happily meandering about in the snow, and I was not forced to do state-ordered calisthenics. Truth be told, it was a pretty standard morning for me, what with all of my typical American freedoms and liberties. But this afternoon, I read a news article that led me to believe I have secretly been in COMMUNIST CHINA this entire day, which isn’t the weirdest situation I’ve been in. But still.

The article in question was talking about how Maryland senators, with a little bit of urging from some of the state’s university presidents, passed a bill to the House of Delegates to ban the sale of grain alcohol that is at least 190 proof (read: Everclear).

President John C. Gibraltar of Frostburg State University, who is known nationwide for his hard-line, anti-alcohol stance, has gone so far as to claim Everclear is “not for human consumption,” and that it is “extremely dangerous.”

Johnny, you know what else is extremely dangerous? Creating laws that prevent students from getting fucked up, because there isn’t anybody who can stop a student who wants to get fucked up. It’s like Heath Ledger’s Joker from the good Batman movie: all of us are unstoppable forces bent on blowing up two ferries full of brain cells. Introducing a bill that will ban the sale of a type of alcohol that we don’t even consume very much of in the first place isn’t going to stop our four to five years of partying.

Senator Ed Reilly, a Republican from Anne Arundel County, was one of only ten senators to vote against the ban “not for a lack of love for our college students.”

Reilly claims that bills like these are “like pulling a hair out of your heard when you really need a haircut… It’s symbolism over substance.” Reilly believes that education on the dangers of alcohol, and information on how to safely consume it, is more important than treating college kids like toddlers and just telling them no.

Frankly, this whole ordeal seems rather stupid to me, so I’m off to go pound a bottle of 151 with hopes that I will wake up in a place that values liberty and freedom.

[via Huffington Post]

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JohnnyPSK (@MrJohnnyPSK) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. Johnny is a big man who attends a small school. He is currently dominating the fantasy football leagues that don't matter.

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